Wednesday, June 24, 2009
moving.....
I have a new blog....follow me therehttp://reallyyoucantbeserious.blogspot.com/ hope to see your beautiful faces there!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home. *
Happy Mother's Day!!!
I cannot believe I have ignored this blog for almost an entire year. What has transpired over the time that seemed that I was part of the witness protection program could fill many blogs. I will start from the beginning and I promise that most will be true but I am going to change names to protect the criminally insane.
All right my lovelies I will refresh your memory. Remember Maui Guy...brain tumor....spoke forever on the phone....never met....blah blah blah. Finally he came to San Diego first of September. We decided that he would come for a visit for 6 weeks and see where things would lead. He met me at the bar I worked at. I was extremely nervous, like palm sweating nervous. He walked in and met all of my friends, a weird situation and not one I am chomping at the bit to recreate. He seemed ok, polite to everyone but there wasn't that spark. At best a low burn like when you eat too much salsa and your stomach just isn't right. Never fireworks, the flip of the stomach an excited flutter that radiates out. Just ok,mediocre. Knowing this will make you say why didn't she just turn and run screaming into the night? Maybe because I thought something would change, I don't like to run and it was daytime. It was my not my finest example of my decision making skills and it went downhill from there.
Now that I have peaked your interest (I enjoy giving myself much more credit than I deserve) I will write daily until my tale of woe is complete.
* back to the movie quotes...I have to stick with something constant.
I cannot believe I have ignored this blog for almost an entire year. What has transpired over the time that seemed that I was part of the witness protection program could fill many blogs. I will start from the beginning and I promise that most will be true but I am going to change names to protect the criminally insane.
All right my lovelies I will refresh your memory. Remember Maui Guy...brain tumor....spoke forever on the phone....never met....blah blah blah. Finally he came to San Diego first of September. We decided that he would come for a visit for 6 weeks and see where things would lead. He met me at the bar I worked at. I was extremely nervous, like palm sweating nervous. He walked in and met all of my friends, a weird situation and not one I am chomping at the bit to recreate. He seemed ok, polite to everyone but there wasn't that spark. At best a low burn like when you eat too much salsa and your stomach just isn't right. Never fireworks, the flip of the stomach an excited flutter that radiates out. Just ok,mediocre. Knowing this will make you say why didn't she just turn and run screaming into the night? Maybe because I thought something would change, I don't like to run and it was daytime. It was my not my finest example of my decision making skills and it went downhill from there.
Now that I have peaked your interest (I enjoy giving myself much more credit than I deserve) I will write daily until my tale of woe is complete.
* back to the movie quotes...I have to stick with something constant.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker. *
I was driving home from work yesterday thinking to myself " Gosh I don't mind driving since gas has gone under $4!"
Yeah I carry on very insightful and thought provoking conversations with myself. I passed a bus stop and read one of the advertisement.
WHAT!?! What has our society become when this is a necessary service? Good God!!!
"Sorry I gave you the Clap but don't be sad just take your antibiotics and oh look a lovely ecard." "I feel really bad that you have oozing sores on your non mentionables but to make you feel better an ecard!"
This service is saying to people its okay if you sleep around but aren't mature enough to tell your partners that you are a flame thrower.
I can say unequivocally that I wasn't busy sending Chlamydia ecards and that was why I wasn't blogging.
*Another fine family classic.....
Yeah I carry on very insightful and thought provoking conversations with myself. I passed a bus stop and read one of the advertisement.
WHAT!?! What has our society become when this is a necessary service? Good God!!!
"Sorry I gave you the Clap but don't be sad just take your antibiotics and oh look a lovely ecard." "I feel really bad that you have oozing sores on your non mentionables but to make you feel better an ecard!"
This service is saying to people its okay if you sleep around but aren't mature enough to tell your partners that you are a flame thrower.
I can say unequivocally that I wasn't busy sending Chlamydia ecards and that was why I wasn't blogging.
*Another fine family classic.....
Thursday, August 14, 2008
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.*
Another reason I haven't been blogging like a champ is that we had a new addition to our little family. I was at the grocery store because I am ALWAYS at the grocery store (yeah, yeah, yeah I know make a list, check it twice, actually bring it with you, heard it all before) and in the same strip mall is a pet supply store. When I drove past it I noticed that there were the cutest (and when I say cute the word actually falls short of describing how adorable they were) puppies!!! After whipping into a parking spot and really ticking off the guy I cut off, (yeah yeah yeah I know I suck at driving, I am stupid, I am a bitch blah, blah, blah, heard it all before) I went to look at them with the full intention of just looking. I even called Maui Guy and left him a message that I was just looking at puppies.I looked at one of the puppies and I have to tell you that it was love at first sight. Then I called Maui Guy again (yeah, yeah, yeah I know slightly stalkerish, heard it all before.) and told him that he should call me and talk me out of getting a puppy. I spoke with the lady there in charge of the puppies. She was from the Humane Society and said that the nine puppies were dumped out in the country. They were German Shepard and they think Blue Heeler. (How do you really know who the dad is since dogs aren't known for kissing and telling.) Maui Guy being someone who doesn't follow orders very well failed miserably at his job and instead totally convinced me to get the dog when he persuaded me by saying such things as "Sure Babe if you want to, I would think it would be great but who is going to look after him when you are at work?" How could I say no to such brow beating? Needless to say a few minutes later he was in the car going home with me. I called the kids (they were at their dad's) and told them that I got a puppy and I named him Jackson. Carson thought that it was perfect and added Rod Stewart to his name. So that is another in a long list of reasons I havent been blogging.
*Still one of my all time favorite dark comedies!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics*
Hellllooooo All!!!!
Call Stone Phillips and tell him that the Dateline story will have to wait but not to worry because knowing me I will end up on that program soon enough!!
I do not have a good excuse why I haven't blogged in so very long.
I am still talking to Maui Guy but we haven't met yet and when I tell you why you will either think "how very sad for her. We must make this into a Lifetime movie and since Valerie Bertanelli can fit back into her skinny jeans she must play the part of Amy" or you could think "Girl you are so stoo-pad! This is never going to work. What the hell are you thinking? Crazy Biach!" Or possibly a combination of both, because I would never want to put parameters on my friends opinions of me and my lunacy that I call my life.
Before he was suppose to come he started getting weird headaches that effed with his equilibrium and he had a hard time focusing. I thought that he might have an inner ear infection and told him that he should go to the doctor. Do you know how hard it is to get a stubborn German to go to the doctor? Well not very when you felt as crappy as he did. Went to doctor and they checked him for inner ear infection....nope that wasn't it. Told him that he had chronic migraines since he was 10 so they decided to do a CAT scan. "Hummmmm, said the doctor, "I see something I don't particularly like. A shadow." When he told me I thought " A shadow, what the hell does that mean? I think of myself as very fluent in medical garble-dee-gook since I am an avid watcher of Grey's Anatomy, ER, CSI and Quincey and never once have I heard of someone having a shadow on their brain. Next step MRI. Not Good. The aforementioned shadow was a small tumor. They immediately started daily radiation treatment. Everyday Maui Guy has been going in and zapped in the noggin with radiation. I warned him that he might turn into a super hero since they are always getting exposed to radiation right before they think that wearing tights in public to save people is a good idea. I even volunteered to Google where to get tights for super heroes that are 6'3''. Just between you and me, I haven't done it because I am scared what would come up. So he had another MRI last week and it has shrunk and they are hoping that he will be done in 2 more weeks.
So my Lovelies that is what has been happening lately......Smooches!
*Back to the movie quotes....love this movie and even the raunchy second one!
Call Stone Phillips and tell him that the Dateline story will have to wait but not to worry because knowing me I will end up on that program soon enough!!
I do not have a good excuse why I haven't blogged in so very long.
I am still talking to Maui Guy but we haven't met yet and when I tell you why you will either think "how very sad for her. We must make this into a Lifetime movie and since Valerie Bertanelli can fit back into her skinny jeans she must play the part of Amy" or you could think "Girl you are so stoo-pad! This is never going to work. What the hell are you thinking? Crazy Biach!" Or possibly a combination of both, because I would never want to put parameters on my friends opinions of me and my lunacy that I call my life.
Before he was suppose to come he started getting weird headaches that effed with his equilibrium and he had a hard time focusing. I thought that he might have an inner ear infection and told him that he should go to the doctor. Do you know how hard it is to get a stubborn German to go to the doctor? Well not very when you felt as crappy as he did. Went to doctor and they checked him for inner ear infection....nope that wasn't it. Told him that he had chronic migraines since he was 10 so they decided to do a CAT scan. "Hummmmm, said the doctor, "I see something I don't particularly like. A shadow." When he told me I thought " A shadow, what the hell does that mean? I think of myself as very fluent in medical garble-dee-gook since I am an avid watcher of Grey's Anatomy, ER, CSI and Quincey and never once have I heard of someone having a shadow on their brain. Next step MRI. Not Good. The aforementioned shadow was a small tumor. They immediately started daily radiation treatment. Everyday Maui Guy has been going in and zapped in the noggin with radiation. I warned him that he might turn into a super hero since they are always getting exposed to radiation right before they think that wearing tights in public to save people is a good idea. I even volunteered to Google where to get tights for super heroes that are 6'3''. Just between you and me, I haven't done it because I am scared what would come up. So he had another MRI last week and it has shrunk and they are hoping that he will be done in 2 more weeks.
So my Lovelies that is what has been happening lately......Smooches!
*Back to the movie quotes....love this movie and even the raunchy second one!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Like Sand through the Hour Glass......
Ok it is official I am crazy not to mention really slacking on the blogging thing.
Here it goes the cliff notes of my life the past few ok many weeks. Still talking to every night to Maui Guy for many many hours. I am smitten. I admit it. It is out there. Smitten. Smitten. Smitten. Did I mention that I really like this guy? We have been talking since January! Yeah you do the math, being an art major numbers aren't my strong point. I will wait in case you need scratch paper. There you go divide by pi, carry the nine..... Shocking isn't it. Almost six months and never once have we met face to face.
This is where the lunacy begins. When the kids go to stay with their dad for two weeks starting June 16th (woo hoo a little break for mama!) Maui Guy will come and stay with me! Yes the first time we meet we are going to stay together in my house!!!! I will wait while everyone mutters under their breath: "What a crazy biatch! I hope she doesn't end up a Dateline story!" I know that it doesn't look that good on paper, cyber paper or even a post-it but I cannot wait to finally meet him!
Wish me luck!!!!
Here it goes the cliff notes of my life the past few ok many weeks. Still talking to every night to Maui Guy for many many hours. I am smitten. I admit it. It is out there. Smitten. Smitten. Smitten. Did I mention that I really like this guy? We have been talking since January! Yeah you do the math, being an art major numbers aren't my strong point. I will wait in case you need scratch paper. There you go divide by pi, carry the nine..... Shocking isn't it. Almost six months and never once have we met face to face.
This is where the lunacy begins. When the kids go to stay with their dad for two weeks starting June 16th (woo hoo a little break for mama!) Maui Guy will come and stay with me! Yes the first time we meet we are going to stay together in my house!!!! I will wait while everyone mutters under their breath: "What a crazy biatch! I hope she doesn't end up a Dateline story!" I know that it doesn't look that good on paper, cyber paper or even a post-it but I cannot wait to finally meet him!
Wish me luck!!!!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
God love those wacked out chicks!
I had what I thought was a love affair with the Real Housewives of the OC. With all of the hugamungous bewbies, real and stripper envy fake. Bat shit crazy antics, God love Vicki , alcohol flowing freely and their therapy needin' children, I truly thought that I found the perfect reality TV program. Those women reminded me of the women of my former home town so maybe that is why I connected so well with them.
Alas who knew that even bigger kooks reside on the east coast? I cannot get me enough of those wacky bitches (and I am including Simon in that statement) living their life in NYC. Ramona, Ramona, Ramona my dear how did you ever produce such a well adjusted child? You are wound as tight as your squat produced ass. Get laid. Take drugs. Something has got to give before you go postal on the other ladies.
Jill has to be the sanest of the group and that is not saying much. She has a dog that hates her daughter, she loves the dog (the jury is out on the daughter), she hates Ramona ( why be hatin' the crazy?) and has the most fabulous gay friend Brad.
Luann is a countess, she will remind you at a moments notice, but her bratty kids still got lice. Ha ha karma baybee!
My favorite is Bethenny. How she got caught up in this whirlwind of deranged women I will never know. She is not without her own drama and God bless her boyfriend who couldn't be more uncomfortable on camera but compared to the others she is batting a thousand.
The train wreck of the group. Ahhhhh I get almost giddy and nauseated at the the same time when Simon and Alex appear. Slimex (since the are NEVER apart) are the most cartoon like couple evah! I beg you Simon come out of the closet! I love ya buddy but Cheese and Rice you are gay! Meet Jill's friend Brad and you two can shop together. Alex eat an effing sandwich. Condition your hair and for God's sake don't wear a thong on the beach. Meeting new people doesn't make them a "contact". It might make them a friend. Speaking of, does Simon have any of his own? Why cant you two be apart. WHHHYYYYYY?????
Okay I feel better now
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
