Queen of the Run-on Sentence

moving.....

2009-06-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

I have a new blog....follow me therehttp://reallyyoucantbeserious.blogspot.com/ hope to see your beautiful faces there!

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home. *

2009-05-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day!!!

I cannot believe I have ignored this blog for almost an entire year. What has transpired over the time that seemed that I was part of the witness protection program could fill many blogs. I will start from the beginning and I promise that most will be true but I am going to change names to protect the criminally insane.

All right my lovelies I will refresh your memory. Remember Maui Guy...brain tumor....spoke forever on the phone....never met....blah blah blah. Finally he came to San Diego first of September. We decided that he would come for a visit for 6 weeks and see where things would lead. He met me at the bar I worked at. I was extremely nervous, like palm sweating nervous. He walked in and met all of my friends, a weird situation and not one I am chomping at the bit to recreate. He seemed ok, polite to everyone but there wasn't that spark. At best a low burn like when you eat too much salsa and your stomach just isn't right. Never fireworks, the flip of the stomach an excited flutter that radiates out. Just ok,mediocre. Knowing this will make you say why didn't she just turn and run screaming into the night? Maybe because I thought something would change, I don't like to run and it was daytime. It was my not my finest example of my decision making skills and it went downhill from there.
Now that I have peaked your interest (I enjoy giving myself much more credit than I deserve) I will write daily until my tale of woe is complete.

* back to the movie quotes...I have to stick with something constant.

I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker. *

2008-08-15T06:55:00.000-07:00

I was driving home from work yesterday thinking to myself " Gosh I don't mind driving since gas has gone under $4!"
Yeah I carry on very insightful and thought provoking conversations with myself. I passed a bus stop and read one of the advertisement.
WHAT!?! What has our society become when this is a necessary service? Good God!!!
"Sorry I gave you the Clap but don't be sad just take your antibiotics and oh look a lovely ecard." "I feel really bad that you have oozing sores on your non mentionables but to make you feel better an ecard!"
This service is saying to people its okay if you sleep around but aren't mature enough to tell your partners that you are a flame thrower.
I can say unequivocally that I wasn't busy sending Chlamydia ecards and that was why I wasn't blogging.

*Another fine family classic.....

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.*

2008-08-14T06:28:00.001-07:00

Another reason I haven't been blogging like a champ is that we had a new addition to our little family. I was at the grocery store because I am ALWAYS at the grocery store (yeah, yeah, yeah I know make a list, check it twice, actually bring it with you, heard it all before) and in the same strip mall is a pet supply store. When I drove past it I noticed that there were the cutest (and when I say cute the word actually falls short of describing how adorable they were) puppies!!! After whipping into a parking spot and really ticking off the guy I cut off, (yeah yeah yeah I know I suck at driving, I am stupid, I am a bitch blah, blah, blah, heard it all before) I went to look at them with the full intention of just looking. I even called Maui Guy and left him a message that I was just looking at puppies.I looked at one of the puppies and I have to tell you that it was love at first sight. Then I called Maui Guy again (yeah, yeah, yeah I know slightly stalkerish, heard it all before.) and told him that he should call me and talk me out of getting a puppy. I spoke with the lady there in charge of the puppies. She was from the Humane Society and said that the nine puppies were dumped out in the country. They were German Shepard and they think Blue Heeler. (How do you really know who the dad is since dogs aren't known for kissing and telling.) Maui Guy being someone who doesn't follow orders very well failed miserably at his job and instead totally convinced me to get the dog when he persuaded me by saying such things as "Sure Babe if you want to, I would think it would be great but who is going to look after him when you are at work?" How could I say no to such brow beating? Needless to say a few minutes later he was in the car going home with me. I called the kids (they were at their dad's) and told them that I got a puppy and I named him Jackson. Carson thought that it was perfect and added Rod Stewart to his name. So that is another in a long list of reasons I havent been blogging.

*Still one of my all time favorite dark comedies!

I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics*

2008-08-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hellllooooo All!!!!
Call Stone Phillips and tell him that the Dateline story will have to wait but not to worry because knowing me I will end up on that program soon enough!!
I do not have a good excuse why I haven't blogged in so very long.
I am still talking to Maui Guy but we haven't met yet and when I tell you why you will either think "how very sad for her. We must make this into a Lifetime movie and since Valerie Bertanelli can fit back into her skinny jeans she must play the part of Amy" or you could think "Girl you are so stoo-pad! This is never going to work. What the hell are you thinking? Crazy Biach!" Or possibly a combination of both, because I would never want to put parameters on my friends opinions of me and my lunacy that I call my life.
Before he was suppose to come he started getting weird headaches that effed with his equilibrium and he had a hard time focusing. I thought that he might have an inner ear infection and told him that he should go to the doctor. Do you know how hard it is to get a stubborn German to go to the doctor? Well not very when you felt as crappy as he did. Went to doctor and they checked him for inner ear infection....nope that wasn't it. Told him that he had chronic migraines since he was 10 so they decided to do a CAT scan. "Hummmmm, said the doctor, "I see something I don't particularly like. A shadow." When he told me I thought " A shadow, what the hell does that mean? I think of myself as very fluent in medical garble-dee-gook since I am an avid watcher of Grey's Anatomy, ER, CSI and Quincey and never once have I heard of someone having a shadow on their brain. Next step MRI. Not Good. The aforementioned shadow was a small tumor. They immediately started daily radiation treatment. Everyday Maui Guy has been going in and zapped in the noggin with radiation. I warned him that he might turn into a super hero since they are always getting exposed to radiation right before they think that wearing tights in public to save people is a good idea. I even volunteered to Google where to get tights for super heroes that are 6'3''. Just between you and me, I haven't done it because I am scared what would come up. So he had another MRI last week and it has shrunk and they are hoping that he will be done in 2 more weeks.
So my Lovelies that is what has been happening lately......Smooches!

*Back to the movie quotes....love this movie and even the raunchy second one!

Like Sand through the Hour Glass......

2008-05-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Ok it is official I am crazy not to mention really slacking on the blogging thing.
Here it goes the cliff notes of my life the past few ok many weeks. Still talking to every night to Maui Guy for many many hours. I am smitten. I admit it. It is out there. Smitten. Smitten. Smitten. Did I mention that I really like this guy? We have been talking since January! Yeah you do the math, being an art major numbers aren't my strong point. I will wait in case you need scratch paper. There you go divide by pi, carry the nine..... Shocking isn't it. Almost six months and never once have we met face to face.
This is where the lunacy begins. When the kids go to stay with their dad for two weeks starting June 16th (woo hoo a little break for mama!) Maui Guy will come and stay with me! Yes the first time we meet we are going to stay together in my house!!!! I will wait while everyone mutters under their breath: "What a crazy biatch! I hope she doesn't end up a Dateline story!" I know that it doesn't look that good on paper, cyber paper or even a post-it but I cannot wait to finally meet him!
Wish me luck!!!!

God love those wacked out chicks!

2008-04-10T07:17:00.000-07:00

I had what I thought was a love affair with the Real Housewives of the OC. With all of the hugamungous bewbies, real and stripper envy fake. Bat shit crazy antics, God love Vicki , alcohol flowing freely and their therapy needin' children, I truly thought that I found the perfect reality TV program. Those women reminded me of the women of my former home town so maybe that is why I connected so well with them.

Alas who knew that even bigger kooks reside on the east coast? I cannot get me enough of those wacky bitches (and I am including Simon in that statement) living their life in NYC. Ramona, Ramona, Ramona my dear how did you ever produce such a well adjusted child? You are wound as tight as your squat produced ass. Get laid. Take drugs. Something has got to give before you go postal on the other ladies.

Jill has to be the sanest of the group and that is not saying much. She has a dog that hates her daughter, she loves the dog (the jury is out on the daughter), she hates Ramona ( why be hatin' the crazy?) and has the most fabulous gay friend Brad.

Luann is a countess, she will remind you at a moments notice, but her bratty kids still got lice. Ha ha karma baybee!

My favorite is Bethenny. How she got caught up in this whirlwind of deranged women I will never know. She is not without her own drama and God bless her boyfriend who couldn't be more uncomfortable on camera but compared to the others she is batting a thousand.

The train wreck of the group. Ahhhhh I get almost giddy and nauseated at the the same time when Simon and Alex appear. Slimex (since the are NEVER apart) are the most cartoon like couple evah! I beg you Simon come out of the closet! I love ya buddy but Cheese and Rice you are gay! Meet Jill's friend Brad and you two can shop together. Alex eat an effing sandwich. Condition your hair and for God's sake don't wear a thong on the beach. Meeting new people doesn't make them a "contact". It might make them a friend. Speaking of, does Simon have any of his own? Why cant you two be apart. WHHHYYYYYY?????

Okay I feel better now

And here ya go

2008-03-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Again I have ripped this off. So? Wanna do something about it? Huh punk, are you feeling lucky?

1. Do you like blue cheese? Absolutely no! It is moldie for Christ Sakes!

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? I would never smoke but I shoot up daily, especially when driving in a school zone.

3. Do you own a gun? Umm no. Do you think that a person that shoots heroin should own a gun?

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic? Ahhhhhh Sonic. We don't have them out here. Damn it all to hell! That is the cause of my heroin addiction.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Nah. I do hate the stepping on the scale part.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Ummmm sorry to say I don't spend a whole lot of time contemplating hot dogs. It takes away from trying to score my drug of choice.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story. Oooohhhh Fuuuudddge! The best 24 hours of the season.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, coffee and coffee. Did I mention coffee?

9. Can you do push ups? Heck yeah I can and not those wimpy girl version ones!

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? I don't wear jewelry. My sparkling personality is shiny enough

12. Favorite hobby. I have just taken up surfing. To say the least I am not shredding it but I LOVE it.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? Huh? I was distracted by something shiny. Wow I need to clean my desk. I think I am thirsty. Did I score my heroin for today? That one mom at my daughter's school is such a bitch.

15. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? Maybe it's that I do heroin but cant remember where I put it because of my ADD

16. Middle name? Leigh

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment…” Waiting for J. to call, My desk really is messy and it has taken me days to complete this because I keep getting distracted.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. A Wonder Bra because unless I go under the knife the girls need an intricate set of weights and pulleys. A pair of shorts and a pair uber comfy Roxy pants

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? White wine, vodka and coffee.

20. Current worry? Not a one

21. Current hate right now? Hate is such a not nice word. How about I really really dislike when people drive shitty.

22. Favorite place to be? The beach. I am very lucky that I only live a short drive away

23. How did you bring in the New Year? I was asleep by 11. Quite the party girl!

24. Where would you like to go? Turtle Island

25. Name three people who will complete this? I don't even know if 3 people read my blog

26. Do you own slippers? Oh God yes and I always forget and wear them to the grocery store.

27. What shirt are you wearing? Woo woo I am in a robe right now and the previously mentioned slippers

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Oh no only high count Egyptian cotton for this girl

29. Can you whistle? Absolutely not

30. Favorite color? Black

31. Would you be a pirate? I would if they provided those little patches that prevents sea sickness and Captain Jack Sparrow was my bunk mate.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I have never had the urge to sing in the shower

33. Favorite girl’s name? Carson

34. Favorite boy’s name? Austin

35. What’s in your pocket right now? Nothing I am wearing a robe.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Jake

37. Best bed sheets as a child? I have no idea. I am sure I had them but nothing with Holly Hobby or horses on them.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Tore my ACL in two skiing

39. Do you love where you live?I live in America's Finest City, hell ya I love it here

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 2

41. Who is your loudest friend? Can I count myself? What I cant hear you I was being loud.

42. How many dogs do you have? No pets

43. Does someone have a crush on you? I certainly hope so or sitting here waiting for him to call is kind of a waste of time.

45. What is your favorite book(s)? To Kill a Mockingbird

46. What is your favorite candy? Red Hots or peanut M&M's

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Something fun, has a good beat and is easy to dance to

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Not sleeping well

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? God Damn 5:00 comes really early.

I wanted to give mad props to Al for providing me something to write about since I cant seem to come up with something creative on my own.

I am not as white trash as I once thought!

2008-03-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

I have died and gone straight to heaven!!!

Last night while flipping around the too many channels that I have since getting Dish network I came across the ultimate reality show. Surprisingly even MORE entertaining than The Sons of Hollywood and I had a deep love for that train wreck. This show is more like a semi running into a double wide trailer. It is called "My Big Redneck Wedding". It is pure gold I tell you! The first episode that I watched (and yes I set my DVR to record any new gems that come on) involved this drunk backwoods guy and his whole-lotta woman. They went to a florist to pick out their flowers and decide that they wanted black, orange and white flowers. A little bit of a shocked face on the florist but I thought that she was going to scream "What the hell is wrong with you people?" when they decided to have the bridesmaids carry their bouquets in empty beer cans. They came up with this idea since the groom was drinking a beer (in a brown paper bag mind you) the entire time they were there. A little raffia and waa laa something that even Martha Stewart would be proud of. They left the store where the groom actually wrote his woman's name by peeing it on the street. (Seriously I cant make this shit up) The day of the wedding the bride couldn't find her teeth but not to worry her mom said that she could use hers! Then the glorious ceremony began. The groomsmen sporting John Deere t-shirts and skinny white ties stood there while the lovely fat-assed bridesmaids came down in orange t-shirts and denim jean shorts oh and don't forget the beer can bouquets! The bride, thankfully wearing her own teeth walked down the aisle to stand under an arch made of beer cans!!! At the reception true romance blossomed when they exchanged wedding gifts. The bride gave him a pink bowling ball with the classy inscription that read: Think of me when you touch your ball. Captain Romance gave his little woman a stuffed snowman that he won out of the claw game.
I can not tell you how much I enjoyed this and I beg, plead with you to watch it and report back to me what you thought of it!

Houses, they are overrated

2008-02-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

I have been a no good blogger and I can admit it.

"Hi my name is Amy and I am a no good blogger"

I like the way the group said "Hi Amy" in unison. "Hi group".

I have been that friend in high school and everyone had one, that dumped her friends when she started dating someone new. I constantly complained about that girl and God forbid I have become her. Then again can I say that I am even dating someone that I have never met face to face. YES still no first meeting. YES he is still in Maui doing whatever a person does to get a ginormous house built. Permits in Honolulu. Check. Getting your plans approved by a committee of men that are in absolutely no hurry to approve anything since it might cut into golf, cocktail hour or seeing their mistresses, granted I have no evidence of the fore mentioned mistresses but when listing things I believe that it always looks better when you have three items as apposed to two. Not check. Waiting to have a model of ginormous house made, where I promised him a Barbie and Ken doll to play with. Waiting check. I have seen Extreme House Makeover or whatever it is called and they can build an entire house in a week complete with cheesy side stories involving the decorators and they cant whip out a little baby version of a house. Cheese and rice you don't even have to pour concrete. Yes I know you can read the frustration that I am experiencing. Grrrrr

Get off my ass I am lazy

2008-02-25T07:25:00.000-08:00

funny stuff
http://puntabulous.com/2008/02/25/the-puntabulous-adventures-of-vagina-girl/#more-1748

Its Like Pretty Woman but I am not a Hooker with a Heart of Gold

2008-02-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

All right before you read this and think that I am as bat shit crazy as the lovely and talented Britany take a deep breath and realize that I have always been a little left of center. With that in mind I will spin my yarn of what I have been doing the last month.
About a month ago I decided to try my hand once again at internet dating. "What?!?" they cry in unison while gnashing their teeth and wringing their hands. She has gone off the deep end! No that isnt the crazy part.
The first day I got back on I saw someone that intrigued me. I shot off a short, charming, with dash of humor email. (Would you expect anything else from me). He replied with his own entertaining email and so began two days of funny quips back and forth. We decided that the whole email thing was a bit tiresome and we decided to exchange phone numbers. He called me and spoke on the phone for hours. From our first call we have had a spark but also a comfortableness that felt like we had known each other for much longer than we have. For the past 6, yes holy smokes 6, weeks we have spoken on the phone every night for at least 3 hours. Thank the good Lord above that we have the same carrier or we might have had to go back to the whole tiresome email for of communication.
Now is where the lunacy really begins. I have never met him. He has been in Maui the whole time. Granted he has a great reason for being there. He wanted to buy a lot and he did. Then he flew out his architect and designers. Next he had to meet with builders. Not to mention get in as much golf as possible. With all of his tasks at hand completed he is coming back Wednesday!!
Insert more manical actions. I have agreed to go to Vegas with him the second week in March and 10 days in Maui in April. (Do you think that I can just put out a bowl of food for the kids and refer to them as Kitty when I go? No? I have to get a sitter? Thanks you have been most helpful).
Next week is when the big date shall occur. Am I nervous? Oh hells yeah beyond words. We have something really amazing on the phone and I really, really, want it to be there when we meet.

My how things can change

2008-01-29T21:47:00.000-08:00

Life is good. Right now it involves a great guy, Maui, a Yacht and adventures that I will have to blog about later. I just don't want to jinx it.

Good God I should have stayed in bed

2008-01-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had one WEIRD day at work.

I have to tell you this so I can tell you my weird work day story. I met a guy on the ye olde Internet dating site a while ago. I talked to him once on the phone and never thought anything else about it. He would call every once and a while but I would just ignore it. Yesterday at work he called but I ignored it (are you seeing a theme). When I was standing by the bar he text me telling me that he was going to come to my work for lunch. I finished reading it and he turns around and he is there!!! (Insert creepy stalker music here.) Luckily it was busy so I didn't have to sit there and talk to him. Then the lady that I think had a stroke and is in a wheel chair who tried to give me pot yesterday....an entirely different weird story in itself, was pointing at something. I thought that she wanted a beer but she shook her head no and kept pointing and I looked over and a woman had totalling passed out in her food! I went over there and pulled her head up since I wasn't in the mood for someone drowning in her taco salad. She woke up with her eyes rolling around in her head and proceeded to feed herself with her hands. Think Helen Keller before Anne Sullivan helped her out. She had beans on her eyelids, sour cream in her hair and food everywhere. I asked her if she had taken anything and she told me that she took 3 zanex. We got her in a cab, after I cleaned her face. I come back inside and Internet Dating Guy is still there so talked to him for a few minutes until a nutty Hippie man came in trying to sell big handfulls of sage. I kinda flipped out and asked him if sage was code for pot and if it was he needed to find the lady in the wheelchair and that they would get a long smashingly. I just stood there waiting for Ashton Kucher to come running out telling me that have been punked. Finally Internet Dating Guy left and stood there like I was suppose to hug, kiss him or wait while he tied me up so he could put me in his basement and he could tell me that "it must put the lotion on". I explained that I was starting to see someone (my next post) and was really interested in seeing where that was going to go but have a great life.

Funny beyond all measure.......

2008-01-05T18:24:00.000-08:00

Dont write for a week and then wham twice in one day....cheese and rice you never know what you are going to get from me! Read this, because I know that the peeps that read this have my whacked out sense of humor and will really appreciate it.

http://stereotypist.livejournal.com/95987.html

Men are like Reynolds foil to me

2008-01-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

I searched WebMD. Carefully put in my symptoms, listing them one by one and nothing, nada zilch. They were absolutely no help so I decided that I would take it upon myself and diagnose my problem. I have seen enough episodes of House, ER not to mention the intense crush I have on McSteamy to figure out what is going on in my life. All right friends, here it is in a nutshell, I have Dating ADD. I start seeing someone and then figuratively something shiny goes by and I am distracted, lost interest and pursuing the next one. It isn't fair but there isn't a cure for what ails me. I thought about getting some washed up celebrities to help me do a telethon. Anyone of the Baldwin brothers (aren't there like 17 to choose from?), Estelle Getty, the black guy from Designing Women and definitely Britney Spears from whatever mental hospital she is residing at when we broadcast. I hope that I can count on all of you to be there to man the phones when the donations start pouring in.

Hootey Hoo its 2008

2008-01-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!
I am not hungover since I didn't do anything and was asleep by 11:00, boring, not like me, weird. On the other hand I feel stellar.
I love this:

Claustrophobic pirates vs. hypochondriac ninjas. Who would win?

Personally there are a lot of factors that a person must know to make an educated theory. Location. Are they fighting in a small area like a bathroom stall, Tom Cruise's pants or the combined gene pool of K-fed and Britany? Are the ninjas being led by Howie Mandell because it is really difficult to fight someone if you are scared to touch them but they might rely on their Chinese throwing stars. A few things to mull over when making your decision.

Talk amongst yourselves

I've Never

2007-12-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

Yes I blatantely stole this from Jess. It couldnt have been taken at a better time cuz I am officially brain dead from celebrating my birthday for an entire week.
This is like the drinking game "I Never". You know someone says something (usually sexual) they havent done but you being the town whore did (and no I wasnt the town whore), then you would drink.
(The things that I have done can be found in bold)

…and it’s long, i’m sorry.
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink (sometimes after seeing my debit card bill the next day,I could have sworn that I did)
02. Swam with wild dolphins (I saw a pod when I was staying in a little fishing village in Mexico)
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid (is that a casino in Vegas?)
06. Held a tarantula (and why would anyone do that?)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (living in Oklahoma long only afforded a land locked lightning storm)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg (does the fake one at the Titantic exhibit count?)
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23 Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity (do my children count?)
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (every funeral I have gone to. Dont hold it against me)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger (in fact the guy I am seeing right now!)
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (No but that is something I must do)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country (does a drunk guy on the streets of Cancun count?)
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero (Does that mean I am not?)
58. Sung karaoke (yes and it wasnt pretty!)
59. Lounged around in bed all day (One of my all favorite things of all time)
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (I was suppose to in Cancun but I was too hungover.)
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (Do people still play?)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie (I had a cameo in Paris Hilton's sex tape...kidding)
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (three days tops)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an “expert” (I am scared of what they would consider me an expert on!!!!)
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror (Oh hell yeah!)
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived (does getting pregnant in high school count?)
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds (Does getting rid of Brad count?)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (all three)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
t121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130 Went back to school.
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (do fish count?)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (at work everyday with some of the guys in the kitchen)
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Good God that is alot. I have discovered that I need to travel more!!!!!

I'm Not Drunk, I'm Lame*

2007-12-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my poor son Austin had to go to the ER. I took him that morning because he flipped over the handle bars of his bike and it looke like he broke a few knuckles, which it turned out he did. Going to the ER, a speedy process, yeah not so much. First you give them your info, then triage, where I made the mistake of getting on the scales and I definitely have been partaking of holiday cheer. Back to the story, then back to the waiting room, x-rays, waiting room again, taken back and put in a room, spoke to a weasel like intern that was convinced that since Austin wasnt crying then it was probably just soft tissue damage, real doctor (named Dr. Friday, a mousy quiet spoken woman) informed us that he broke three knuckles, off to the ortho doc, different waiting room, see ortho, back to afore mentioned waiting room, the cast room (weird smell), ER for discharge papers, make appt to get cast off in 4 weeks and..... scene.

That evening Maak (his name is Mark but he is from Boston, how do you like them apples?) he is the guy that I am seeing. He took me out for great birthday dinner. We went to the Fish Market. Had a table right on the water where we watched the sun set, drinking wine and having oysters. Ate an amazing dinner, one of my favorite places to eat in San Diego. Then we went to the 22nd floor of the Hyatt for espresso martinis. The view is breath taking and the company not so bad either!

*You will never get this one!!!!

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-12-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

Last night was the birthday bash of the century! Okay maybe not the century but definately a good part of the year. What made it so fabulous you ask , well because it was my party, of course. We had an area reserved for the shin dig at a club downtown. I dont know how he knew but when I walked in the Dj said, " The birthday girl is here. Happy Birthday Amy Neely". That was fun but he kept saying my name through out the night and it got kinda old.
I am 38 years old today!! It boggles my mind to think about all of the changes that occured in a year. I truly believe that I cried and laughed more in the past 12 months than I can remember. I have discovered a great deal about myself. I can do things on my own, being by myself is not that bad and I am a strong woman. As a present to myself I am keeping the strength from last year but forgetting the heart break. 38 is going to be fantastic.

I think I need a More challenging job

2007-11-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

At work I have to get there an hour before we open because obviously the management thinks a) the short bus drops me off, b) I have difficulty executing the most simple task and/or, c) I like apples and I can count to cheese. (anyhoo) After 15 minutes of getting everything in order, (I will dazzle you with my math skills) I have 45 minutes to waste. Drinking an energy drink and smoking a cigarette only takes so much time and that allows me to wander around. The other day I noticed some valuable advice written on the side of the coffee pot. "Don't hold over a person's head." I stood there laughing out loud in the kitchen, while the kitchen guys mutter crazy bitch in Spanish (I can understand it but cant spell it ). I thought back in all of my years on the earth and came to the conclusion that never once (even when I was really, really , really pissed off at Brad) did I have the urge to hold a coffee pot over some one's head.
In this sue happy society that we live in, I am sure that some lunatic thought it would be humorous to hold the coffee pot over Great Aunt Matilda's noggin, the handle freakishly came unhinged, and scorched the head of the family's matriarch.
Noticing that I still had 30 minutes, I let my mind wander and came to the conclusion that absolutely nothing should be held over some one's head. Anvils, bunny rabbits, past screw ups, nothing.

Who Needs Luggage When You Have Magoos?

2007-11-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

More about Annie's Wedding Weekend 2007.

I flew into Philly that Thursday night. Realized that my luggage decided that Philly was too cold and opted not to meet me there. Maybe it is just me but is there a bigger bummer then standing at the luggage carousel, watching it go around and around totally empty? I wasn't too worried about it. I only worry about things that I have control over and since I had no effing idea where my suitcase was, I was just going to sit back and see what happens. However I did not look forward to telling Annie that my luggage was MIA. She took as well as a person that was a) getting married in two days, b) realized my bridesmaid dress was missing as well, and c) naturally a skoosh high strung. (Don't worry she will not find that rude in the least.) I got in the car met her friend Joy (God bless her, she is pregnant with her fourth child!!!!!) and her sister-in-law Jenny that I shall refer to as Ginger because it is more fitting.

We all went to the bar that Annie and Ed met. It is called Scratch Magoos. I met Ed for the first time and his groomsmen. We had a great time, drank a touch too much, flirted with a few boys (alright I was the only one flirting, but Ginger is a great wingman) but we definitely did not worry about my luggage!

The picture above is of Ginger, little ol' me and the beautiful bride to be Annie

Me, me it's all about Me dammit

2007-11-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

There is absolutely no excuse. Period. I will gladly take your verbal reprimanding. I have dropped the ball, screwed the pooch and all of the other cliches that elude me at the moment. I have been lazy. What is sad, is that in my self absorbed world I actually believe that me not writing has had a significant impact on my handful of reader's lives. Don't burst my bubble, let go on thinking this. I am going through a slight "Princess Itsaboutmeah" stage, bear with me because I am sure I will snap back to reality shortly.
The first weekend in November I was back east in Delaware for my bestest friend's hitchin'. I had the BEST time evah! I heart her sister in law Jenny! She is one cool chick, even tried calling the airline to get me to stay for a day longer. Annie's wedding was perfect. Smooth sailing except for the fact that they lost my luggage (no biggie, they got it to me the next afternoon) or the hairstylist was late ( I did fear for her life, Annie was gonna kill her and rightly so). The whole weekend we laughed (okay maybe it was from the shots on Friday or all of that sake on Saturday, not to mention the maniacal laughing fit at the bridesmaid luncheon), we cried ( when I saw her in her dress we both boo hoo'd), we taped (I will just say that two sided tape is up there on the list of great inventions with antibiotics, cruise control and the yellow line of scrimmage on tv). The weekend went by way too fast. I now insist (refer to the stage of my life mentioned above) that Annie and Jenny (I like to call her Ginger) must come out to San Diego. Period. End of discussion

Hello welcome to Hades

2007-10-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

I am sure that you don't know about this, since it really hasn't been on the news or anything but there are a few little fires here in San Diego. Maybe not a time to be sarcastic since hell seems to be burning all around me. Don't worry my buddies, my pals I am fine. My car is covered in ash and I am sure breathing this shit in isn't the best thing but other than that I am okay. My cell phone is totally jacked up...who knew that cell towers burn and then you cant get reception...so please feel free to email me amyneely3@gmail.com and I will keep you up on my life that has become Dante's inferno. Hugs and kisses to you all.

Must Love Bogs

2007-10-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

As you know I have been doing the whole internet dating thing. I thought I would put my profile here so you all can tell me what you think. Please be honest and help me tweak.

I am currently separated from my seventh husband. We tried really hard to make things work but the straw that broke the camel's back was the fact that he wouldn't stop having sex with my mama. I cant blame my mama since she let us live for free in her trailer with her. Money is a little tight since I lost my job as a gondolier. I still have dreams as I am trying to break into the highly competitive field of Marie Antoinette impersonations. I am a real go getter so I don't doubt that I will make it, but until then I will continue working at WalMart as an overnight stocker. I am extremely picky when it comes to a mate. You must have all of your teeth or at least most of them. Be able to read and/or write, no longer a member of the penal system. I understand if you were once locked up, since I was once prisoner #29374446. I got busted for public intox, shoplifting and public transportation hijacking but now I am a functioning member of society. You must know how to clean a fish, syphon gas from a car and remember all of my kids names because I am not sure what they are and they are tired of wearing name tags.
Please email me and I will have someone read me it to me since I am legally blind

No it's cool man, bring your green hat! *

2007-10-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

I am off of work every Thursday and Sunday. I look forward to Thursday because I have such great aspirations to mark things off of my To Do List. I write the list out almost verbatim from the one I wrote last Thursday and the Thursday before and so on and so on. Then I look at the length of the list and I am overwhelmed and a little bummed about the fact that I have to waste my day off cleaning, doing laundry and other crappy tasks.

I was going to go have coffee with my friend Stacia but her son got the mouth piece to his trumpet jammed into it so she had to drive to the trumpet store and have it removed. Even if this was an excuse, and I know it wasn't, how could I even get mad because if someone could come up with that then they deserve to get out of said task.

So I sit here blogging, reading other blogs, checking my email and looking at my dreaded To Do List thinking I am just going to have coffee on my patio, do some shopping and avoid the craptastic To Do List at all cost. I mean really how dirty does your house have to be before the state intervenes and takes your kids, I mean really?

*funny stuff

Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I'm free the next morning*

2007-10-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention, via blog stat, what some people search for on Google and eventually find my blog, is a little alarming.

Let's review.

From Germany: "mother's whip". Were they looking for a how to manual on the basics of whipping mothers or mothers whipping their kids or even random people that piss them off, such the cable man showing up late, cell phone providers that screw you on you bill (shout out Jess) or your OBGYN for thinking bad thoughts about you and your wacky sex life.

Along those same lines, there was the search for "sentence with a whip" and my favorite, "what you break when you crack a whip". I personally don't ever remember blogging about whipping anyone, cracking a whip or even whip cream so I am a little bewildered.

Then there was "my sentence queen" and "kid run sentence". Is sentence queen a term of affection? Is it replacing hot chick, love button or maybe my hot sweet mama? Do guys sit around together in a bar and throw comments out like "dude, did you see that chick? I bet she is a total sentence queen." Kid run sentence just has me speechless. Quite the feat I know.

*Not a comedy. Wanted to shake things up, but one hell of a mob movie

Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.*

2007-09-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

While flipping through the newest issue of Cosmo I became enlightened and concerned about a growing trend.
"Your gyno's secret thoughts about your sex life?" Granted the last place you want to be judged is naked from the waist down with your feet in stirrups but that wasn't it. "Crazy-ass moves he wants you to do to him there", doesn't that just bring us back to the situation involving, a paper covered bed, and a doctor mentally tsk, tsking you? Could it be the "Battle of the Bottoms"? It was a two page layout discussing skinny vs wide legs and what shirts you should wear. I think that it fell on deaf ears err umm blind eyes since everything else written required you to go sans pants. Shockingly I have to say that none of the above articles made me stop in my tracks and say to myself, "Holy cow has anyone else noticed this, I must blog about it!"
Here is my quandary...When in hell did celebrities decided it would be a good idea to slap their name on fragrances? Then I thought that it would be funny if they smelled like the stars hocking their wares.
The first one I came across was the Beckham's his and hers fragrances called Intimately. What do you think shallow, overly pretty and slightly on the not so smart side of life smells like? I would have put a link to Posh Spice and hubbie's site but alas they don't have one.
Starlight by Shania. As in Twain. As in whitetrash fantastic, rodeo, with a little bit of Coors Light thrown in for good measure. I think this would be a great perfume for the girl whose man wears Stetson.
Unforgivable Woman by Sean John or Puff Daddy or Puffy or whatever he wants to be called now. What odor does self absorbed give off? With undertones of shame, think Dannity Kane.
Enchanting by Celine Dion. I do have to preface with I believe she could be one of the most irritating people to have walked the earth. With that being said I think Enchanting would smell of a slightly irritating accent, over the top hand gestures, & old man sweat from her extremely creepy husband.
This one has to be my favorite. M by Mariah Carey. I believe that it would smell of washed up diva that insists on wearing clothes too small for her. Throw in a bit of ho hum I really don't have anything to offer and waa laa you have M.

*Damn fine holiday film for the whole family

I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them*

2007-09-26T06:39:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel really tired. With the kids starting school and trying to get back in the swing of the things, changing my sleeping pattern most definitely has made me tired. All the high school bullshit drama at work...tired. Making sure the kids do their homework, chores, make good choices become productive human beings basically being a single mom...tired. (Side note mad props for all of the single moms that have been doing this longer than me...good job sisters). And obviously from reading what I have written...whining really takes it out of me.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be out of this funk.

*Classic comedy, makes me laugh every time....heehee just thinking about it

Woo Hoo 100 Posts!!!!!

2007-09-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Since this is my 100th post, insert fanfare, I decided to give you 100 random things about me:
1. I don't understand the love people have for nascar
2. I get motion sickness from play station 2 games.
3. I have a freckle in iris of my left eye
4. I am not a morning person.
5. I am a sucker for a fire in the fireplace.
6. My first date was going to see West Side Story.
7. I am overly competitive playing board games, even with my kids, I don't let them win.
8. I love to travel but I don't get to as much as I would like.
9. I wish I could have been a storm chaser.
10. I am terrified of frogs, nothing else just frogs.
11. Whip cream freaks me out.
12. I don't have a birth mark
13. I wish I was a more organized person.
14. I have absolutely no sense of direction.
15. I want to write a book and a screenplay.
16. I can clean a fish, not that I want to but I can all the same.
17. I took a lip gloss from a store when I was 16 and I feel bad about it to this day.
18. I am a horrible liar.
19. I snuck off to Kansas with my friend Leigh Ann and got caught.
20. I always had secret crushes on the nerdy brainiacs in high school.
21. I love, love, love coffee.
22. I still believe in true love.
23. Fireworks make me cry.
24. I am deeply disturbed by people that hate an entire race/creed/religion.
25. I sing country songs at the top of my lungs in my car with the windows down.
26. I do not like scary movies.
27. I talk too much but I never tell secrets.
28. I can't whistle.
29. My kids amaze me everyday. I will say that I am amazed by the good and the bad.
30. Sometimes I can be too spontaneous.
31. I don't like it when girls play dumb for attention.
32. I have a very loud distinctive laugh.
33. Tequila makes me bitchy, not to mention hungover the next day.
34. I have a very hard time sitting through an entire movie.
35. I don't understand how we can put a man on the moon but we cant get rid of stretch marks.
36. I believe in karma
37. I am grossed out by feet.
38. I pop my knuckles too much.
39. I love watching babies bite on lemons. Their facial expressions kill me.
40. I think that I am funny but a lot of people don't get my sense of humor.
41. My friend and I serenaded the 7/11 man in our panties wearing Coors light boxes on our heads.
42. I don't like sitting on the inside of booths.
43. I almost drown in the YMCA pool when I was 11.
44. My daughter is criminally mastermind smart.
45. I don't like french toast.
46. When someone is embarrassed I feel really uncomfortable.
47. Golf frustrates the hell out of me.
48. I don't know how I feel about instant replay.
49. A new box of crayons makes me very happy.
50. I believe that scurvy will make a comeback.
51. I think that when your destiny is being a trashy person no matter how much money you make you cant shake that fate. ie: Brittny Spears and Michael Vick
52. Its not what you know but who you know.
53. I have a thing for cowboys.
54. I cant bake sugar cookies.
55. I don't understand why people tattoo their face.
56. I wish I could go back in time just for a day or two and come right back to the present.
57. PB&J with peppercini's and barbq lays chips is my favorite sandwich.
58. Being kind to strangers is very important to me.
59. People watching is one of my favorite hobbies.
60. Nothing beats a really good first kiss.
61. I cant parallel park.
62. I think that pumpkin pie tastes pre-chewed.
63.Two guys that I dated in high school were in a Southwest Airline commercial together.
64. I don't understand algebra.
65. I cant seem to forget any one's birthday.
66. I believe in guardian angels.
67. My front left tooth is fake.
68. I can roller skate but I cant roller blade.
69. I am not a big fan of Halloween.
70. I love laughing so hard that my sides hurt.
71. I have had 6 surgeries in my lifetime.
72. When I had the chicken pox I only had three bumps.
73. My son has two middle names.
75. I wrote a play in the 3rd grade.
76. I love spontaneous road trips.
77. I brush my teeth way too hard
78. I know how to saddle a horse.
79. My redneck father has his name on the side of his bass boat.
80. I failed my drivers test the first time I took it.
81. When someone scrapes their fork against their teeth, it sends me through the roof.
82. I love that old video game Galaga.
83. I don't like the smell of celery.
84. My favorite flower is a daisy.
85. I had two pretend friends growing up. Their names were Togey and Monster.
86. My sneeze sounds like a cross between a squeaky toy and a yipping Chihuahua.
87. My stepmother's brother is named Stump...please don't ask or hold that against me.
88. Next summer I will be attending my 20th year high school reunion.
89. As childish as it is I still like TP'ing a house.
90. I am bewildered by people who hang dream catchers from their rear view mirrors.
91. Modigliani is my favorite artist.
92. I love having breakfast food for dinner.
93. I can spend the entire day watching football games.
94. I spent many years trying to find the perfect red lipstick to no avail.
95. My good friend won the show Surf Girls on MTV.
96. My daughter plays the trombone and my son has taught himself to play the guitar and I have cant play an instrument to save my life.
97. I have big feet.
98. I have been blessed with amazing friends throughout my life and many are still in my life even after all these years.
99. My knee hurts when it rains, thank God that doesn't happen very often here in southern California.
100. This was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be

My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles. *

2007-09-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

Quitting smoking effing sucks.

I haven't had one since Friday. Since then I have been right on the edge of being bitchy, had the urge to eat my weight in Sun Chips and chewed 186.92 lbs of gum. I know that smoking is bad for me yada yada yada, I know that it makes me smell yucky blah blah blah but hells bells I miss it. Smoking got me through the "I don't know how it happened but my penis found a new home" extravaganza. In fact smoking has been in and out my life longer than I care to divulge. I would go for years and then I would get that urge and waa laa back in my life again. I never had a hard time quitting except for this time. Usually I would just say "I quit" and no problem but cheese and rice this time is "No Smoking Suckfest 2007" (t-shirts will be available for your purchase soon). Wish me luck, pray for me, send me happy thoughts, or put me in a medically induced coma until the cravings stop but something has to happen or I am going to visit my little friend at 7/11 and give him my $4.62.
* This quote actually has something to do with the post.

Yes, imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be... *

2007-09-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

I want to start this blog by saying that I love my kids fiercely. I would do absolutely anything for them and I have no idea what I would do without them.
With that being said I have to tell you that I am pretty darn excited that this weekend Brad is taking them to his house. Thursday night I am going to meet him halfway and pick them up on Sunday. A whole weekend all to myself. If I want to sleep in, I can. If I want to watch TV naked, I can. What will end happening is I will miss them because this is the first time that they will be with Brad. They are going with him for a week over Thanksgiving so this is kind of a test run for that holiday.
What to do this weekend....who knows the world is my oyster.
*This is a toughy, just think short and British.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.*

2007-09-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Weekend update without Jimmy Fallon.
Friday night my dearest friend Andrea and I decided to go downtown and paint it a deep hue of fuchsia. Our first stop was Altitude. I had met one of the bartenders earlier at work and he said that if I went in there he would buy me a drink so I thought what the hell and went. It is a very nifty bar. It is 22 floors up and you can see directly into Petco park so when the Padres are playing, like they were Friday you can watch the game. So we found Jeremy the Bartender and after a little chit chat and a very tasty vodka gimlet we were on our way. We proceeded to Whiskey Girl where we met the same Gentleman Caller that took me out when Annie was in town. After a few cocktails and for some reason an Irish Car Bomb we took the party to the next place where Andrea knew the bartender, Cuban (I am not sure if that is God given name or his stage name). That is where we had Chocolate Cake shots and another cocktail. Next across the street to the Star bar . Really and truly it is hands down the best dive bar and if any of you people ever get out here to visit that will definitely be a place that we visit. I met my Waterloo at the Star Bar when I actually thought that it would be a great idea to take a shot of Patron. Yeah not so much. Onward and upward....the next and thank God the last place was Nicky Rottens. I discovered that I cant live like a rock star and get up and participate in life the next morning. Maybe if I could sleep until noon, room service and then a nap but alas the real world doesn't work that way so I was in a bit of a fog on Saturday.
* I have seen this movie so many times but good golly it makes me laugh every time. Toga! Toga!

"It's a Moral Imperative"*

2007-09-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

I got a second job yesterday. Somehow I talked my way into a sales job at a magazine. It is a really cool mag. I sell advertising and I am stoked about the potential that this job holds. Right now I am straight commission but even if I just set up a meeting so the head of sales goes in there and closes the deal I still get my commission. Work a couple of days a week, as much or as less as I want to. There are fun perks also. Like on Sunday night I have to go to this private party/fashion show at Firehouse. Free drinks and food and I get to meet a lot of potential clients. Just finding a plus one is turning into the bane of my existence.

*This quote comes from a film that I think Val Kilmer gave one of his finest performance.

I'm Just Trying to be Honest About Being a Misanthrope*

2007-09-09T19:36:00.001-07:00

Kim tagged me for this Fab 4 Meme and I love memes! By now you everyone should know that I love talking about me but it is a close second to meet new peeps. So away we go....

4 Jobs I’ve Held
1. Receptionist in a hair salon when I was 15. Given it was 1985 but I had crazy hair!

2. Deli/bakery. It took me many many years before I could even look at doughnut without thinking of those nasty fryers.

3. I worked in a fancy shmancy restaurant where I arranged private parties, attended wine tastings and worked with the chef to establish menus for the parties. Crazy that they actually paid me for things I would do for free.

4. Right now I work in a fun bar in San Diego

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over

1. To Kill a Mockingbird. I believe it could be my all time fav...

2. I have to agree with Kim and any of the movies from the 80's

3. Rudy. The best "don't give up on your dreams little guy" movie of all time. Still cry like a baby every time I see it...tearing up just thinking about it.

4. Usual Suspects. First time I saw it I never saw the end coming and I always figure those things out.

4 TV Shows I Watch

Let me preface with thank God for DVR. I still have things from last season that I haven't got around to watching.

1. Grey's Anatomy but I think that I will like the spin off even more because there is just so much of Meredith the Stick Figure's angst I can take

2. Family Guy, Simpsons and South Park. I will come clean here and now I tell you that I have the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy.

3. Daily Show with John Stewart. How else am I going to know what is going on in the world around me?

4. Entourage.

4 Places I’ve Lived

1. Lubbock, Texas. The birthplace of little ol me.

2. Edmond, Oklahoma. Lived there most of my life.

3. San Diego. America's Finest City. I now live in paradise and let me tell you it cost an arm and a leg to live in paradise but it is well worth it.

4 Favorite Foods

1. Lobster, shrimp or crab with butter, lots of lovely butter.

2. Thick brownies with icing and without those pesky nuts some crazy person thought would be a good idea to add.

3. Barbq shrimp from Nola in New Orleans, in fact almost everything from that city.

4. Another one from Kim, hot fresh bread and butter

4 Websites I Visit Everyday
1. Baby Faith. I have known Holli for more years then I care to divulge and she still makes me laugh

2. I don't care what you had for breakfast. JC is one in a million.

3. msn's crossword puzzle because I read somewhere that you could stave off Alzheimer by doing a daily crossword.

4. See, Hear, Speak No Evil. Love these chicks.

4 Favorite Colors
1. White

2. Black

3. Periwinkle

4. Olive Green

4 Places I Would Love to Be Right Now

1. In a giant fluffy bed with super high thread count sheets, the room must be in the perfect temperature and room service being delivered by Brad Pitt wearing his costume from the movie Troy.

2. At the beach lounging with a cocktail in my hand while being fanned by Brad Pitt in his costume from Troy.

3. New Orleans, eating and drinking myself crazy. Lucky for me Brad Pitt already lives there and I am sure he still has his costume from Troy.

4. I am pretty happy right here typing about me, I am sure Brad Pitt is on his way

I have to make a note that I has to be the Brad Pitt sporting the body he had in Troy not the "let us adopt every kid in the world with my beautiful but homewrecking gal and I am going to single handily save the world" body that he has now.

4 Names I Love But Would/Could Not Use for my Children
These are definitely names I would never use

1.Any names dealing with liquor or wine. ex: Chablis, Brandy, Coors Light

2.Katrina

3. Names after cars. ex: Mercedes, Lexus, Dodge Durango

4. Any of the 7 dwarfs names with the possible exception of Doc.

I always feel too much pressure picking people so everyone play along or at least four of you step up to the plate and carry this on dammit.

By Nights End, I Predict Me & Her will Interface*

2007-09-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

Of all times for my camera to be in the crapper, I assure you everyone would have wanted to see me Wednesday after I tried to catch a softball with my face. My teammate, Shamus, yes it is his real name bulleted to me at first base where I misjudged and the ball went over my mitt and directly into my forehead. I stood there for a second and then the knees went out from under me and I found myself sprawled out in the dirt. Let me tell you Big Shamus can throw the ball and it knocked me for a loop. They got me to the dugout where I proceeded to take my shoes and socks off and on 5 or 6 times. It made perfect sense to me at the time. Up until last night you could distinctly make out the stitching from the ball on my skin where there were scabs. I was some kind of looker let me tell ya.
* I can quote this movie almost verbatim...not necessarily a great skill but a skill all the same

Please Dont Give Him Anymore Acid*

2007-09-05T09:04:00.001-07:00

Yesterday the kids and I said so long, farewell, na na na na hey hey hey goodbye to summer with the official first day of 5th grade for Carson and 8th for Austin. Yes you are right that means next year Carson will start middle school and God help us all Austin will be a FRESHMAN in high school. What that boils down to is I am way too cute and young to have kids that old! Do you like how I worked it around and made about me....I learned that skill from my ex who has it down to an art. I would love to post pics but alas my camera has died (bastard!) and for some reason my phone wont let me send pics out (bastard! bastard!) so you will have to just for the time being imagine my precious offspring in their new school clothes, with a hint of sleep in their eyes embarking on the world with a slight kick in their step, knowing that on the first day there is never any homework.
*Love this movie and a large part of it was filmed here in sunny San Diego

We are Men of Action, Lies do not Become Us*

2007-08-31T08:14:00.000-07:00

Hello my lovelies it has been so long. Enough of that wish washy booey hooey stuff lets get down to business of me catching up on my favorite subject...me! I did something for the first time in my life and no it did not involve security cameras, bondage or puffy shirts. I bought a car! Of course I have had a cars in my past in fact I have had a shitload of them but they were always handled by my husband. I have never gone through the whole process by myself. I am so proud of myself. Toot! Toot! Toot! (That would be me tooting my own horn.) I am now a proud owner of a 2004 Chrysler Seabring with only 40,000 miles and it drives like a dream. As you know my jeep was limping along at best so I am sorry to say that I had to put her down. She was a darn fine auto so remember her well.
*you know the process by now. This movie is defiantly on my top 10 favs of all time

Edwina's Insides Were a Rocky Place Where My Seed Could Find No Purchase*

2007-08-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

By now everyone should know the way this little blog works. I put a quote up that means nothing about the post but I think that everyone is just reading the title and not reading my meaningless drivel. Being the ever so faithful person that I am I will continue on my quest to fill in my hand full of readers on my life.
On my quest to mark off items on my "List of Crap to do Before I die" I have started jogging today so I can run in an half marathon in January. Run? WTF? Amy? Yep the anti runner is actually going to do it by golly. Start slow? Oh hell no. I went out with my friend Andrea, who has run a marathon and one half marathon. Five miles oh sure but I am going to come clean when I say that I was doing much more walking than running. Surprisingly I can walk pretty darn fast, so you would think that I could jog but for some reason my body rejects the whole idea of jogging. I was one hell of a trooper. I have a blister that looks like someone tried to gnaw through my Achilles tendon but I will continue on my quest. Maybe I shouldn't smoke a cigarette before, just a thought.

You Shut Your Mouth When You are Talking to Me*

2007-08-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

All right maybe the quotes have been a little difficult, maybe from movies that probably could be found in the $5 bin at Walmart so I choose one from a more recent flick. There is one consistent factor with the quotes and my post and that is they have absolutely nothing to do with the other. Flighty I know but that is how my crazy mixed up brain works.
Life is good except San Diego is at the hot part of the summer and let me tell you it is a scorcha out there. Before everyone jumps on me and starts with the "WTF? It is 7000 degrees with one million percent humidity, in fact we are going to go to the surface of the sun just to cool off thing" just keep this in mind, I don't have air conditioning. Shockingly most people don't. Of course the further inland you go they do but there really is no reason to have it for the couple weeks that it gets above 74. Lucky for me it does start to cool off around 5:00 and the nights are cool but let me tell you I glisten through out the day. Here is a little secret I have turned into a wienie. Living here has soften me, I use to live in Oklahoma where it is hotter than hell in the summer and pretty fargin cold in the winter and I was pretty much okay with that but now if it gets above 77 I am checking for signs of heat stroke and if it gets below 60 I am convinced that I will lose my fingers to frostbite.

The Little Hand Says it is Time to Rock and Roll*

2007-08-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Last night's concert was a feast for the eyes! I went to the highly anticipated cheese fest better known as the Ratt/Poison concert! Trust me when I say this I would not have gone if the tickets weren't free but the people watching was priceless to say the very least. There are more people than I thought that have been stuck in a time when leather pants were a good fashion choice and aqua net was a girl's and a guy's for that matter, best friend. I am not quite certain how it happened but I talked my way down from the nose bleed section to the floor. Pretty impressive, okay not really but all in all I had a great time!

*keeping with cheesey theme...this movie too has a high cheese factor

I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disapper entirely, that is a rare gift*

2007-08-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like I haven't blogged in so long....oh yeah cuz I haven't! I am a little bummed that summer is coming to a close. This summer was the best, worse, craziest, eye opening summers of life. I wouldn't change one second of it. Through all of the tears, laughter and memories I made over the past few months I have come out on the other side a stronger, more independent and happier version of Amy. Anyhoo enough of the Stuart Smalley dog gone it somebody likes me speech.
Austin registers on the 28th so the days of sleeping in and running amok are coming to a close. BooHoo I really love summer. So tata for now while I go and soak up some of that beautiful southern California sun.......
*yet another movie quote

One of the Worst Performances of my Career & they Never Doubted it For a Second*

2007-08-01T12:44:00.001-07:00

The past weekend with Annie was soo much fun. We have been friends for 22 yes 22 years and she still isn't boring! We went to the beach Friday and went around PB that night. Saturday I even had a date! This particular gentleman caller wanted to take me out and I explained to him that Annie was in town so he decided to take us both out. I kind of felt like the Amish with my chaperon but who else, okay besides the Amish, can say that they went out on a first date with their best friend! Maybe I should have but the parameters of outside of being 14 years old and you meet a guy at the movies and you never go alone. We had a really great time, sushi, dive bar and a club in the Gaslamp District. In fact I was so charming that we are going out again tomorrow night to a wine bar downtown, that is if my car doesn't blow to kingdom come. Remember that I thought that my water pump was going out per the creepy mechanic by my house so I took to a friend of a friend and he informed me that it was only my radiator cap. It has been driving fine until this afternoon when on my home from washing my car the light went on and by the skin of my teeth I made it home. Very dramatic, a lot of "please God, please God, please Gods" and in my driveway it started to smoke or steam but something that shouldn't started coming out of the hood. So now I wait for it to cool off so I don't burn my face off, that would definitely put a damper on my date to show up without a face. Honestly I really don't know what I would look for when I open the hood but I can wing it. Maybe there is a fixing Jeeps for Dummies out there or maybe I will really hone in on the whole Amish thing and get a horse and buggie.

*another quote

The decision to proceed is yours. Stryker you're too low! *

2007-07-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

Okay first of all the title has absolutely nothing with the post except obviously I am really really into movie quotes and that one is from one of my favorite movies.
Tonight my bestest friend Annie comes into town. She is such a great friend, she has traveled many hours even going through Cleveland to come and visit me. Mad props sister! We are going to have soo much fun. Cocktails, the beach, bars, the beach...do you see a theme? This weekend is all about not worrying about anything important, thinking about anything or laundry. Yeah I threw in laundry because of my deep hatred for laundry and anything pertaining to that chore. Many pictures will follow and hopefully I will have fun, exciting and slightly Thelma and Louise like stories! I am off to pick her up.
* and no JC it is not from My Left Foot so dont even think about it! Name the movie.

Cram It Up Your Cramhole, Lafluer!*

2007-07-24T13:38:00.001-07:00

Have you ever met a person and the entire time that you are around that person you want hug and love them, then ask yourself have you ever been around a person and all you want to do is rip out their throat so not another sound could be emitted from their mouth. I was so blessed to dine with the latter person. On Sunday night Jimmy (you know every bar has the old regular that has too much money and time) took a few of the girls out to dinner for Andrea's birthday but one of the girls who shall remain nameless, okay Brooke is her name you people just hound and hound me until you get the information out of me...ruthless I say! Anyhoo she thought that she should bring her boyfriend Morgan, again with interrogation to find out his name! Morgan got there and proceeded to run his stupid mouth endlessly through drinks before dinner, the salad, dinner. He belittled Brooke, spoke about where he has real estate holdings even though he doesn't have a job and is dead broke. I have so many holes in my tongue from biting it. The straw that broke the camels back came when he asked Andrea how old she was turning and she said 30 and he asked her why she wasn't knocked up! Something in my head exploded! I leaned across the table and hissed if he could just shut his mouth for a second maybe the dinner could be saved. (Alright I said a little more but those choice words will stay between me and Dumbass) I got up from the table. When I walked by out waitress she asked who the ass was at out table and I told her what happened. She said that she could take care of it and mid bite she took his plate away to the kitchen. I laughed my ass off.
*name the movie

Austin's he man woman haters club*

2007-07-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Austin has been having a hard time adjusting to us splitting up so I said that he could use the garage as his "fort", his wording not mine. I thought that he might pull out some lawn chairs and hang out with his buddies but he has gone all out. He found a free couch in a pattern circa 1983, has a little coffee table thing, moved his tv and PS2 out there and even has a rug. It is a bachelor pad that even Ron Burgandy would be proud of...he is just missing many leather bound books. Even though I cant find a damn thing in that garage...let's be honest I really couldnt find anything before...I am glad that he has his place. He and his friends have been spending the night here more than they use to and even though they eat me out of house and home I like knowing he is here and I know what he is doing.

*Another easy tv reference....

Let's play catch up

2007-07-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

Okay I already knew this but thanks to an email from Leigh Ann I realize that I have been slacking in my blogging responsiblities. So a big sorry to the handfull of peeps that read this blog and occasionally chuckle. Anyhoo lets see what has happen in my wacky little life...went on a first date, that lasted ohhh an hour, you can fill in what happened. At least I got that horrible date out of the way and it made for a funny story to all of my friends. I played softball on a coed team Wednesday and I truly dont know when I had so much fun. Hopefully I will be able to do that every week. As always I am on the run but I will slow down this weekend...maybe Sunday and write a lengthy and witty post .....until then keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.....(this is an easy one...who says this?)

Ohhhh so that is what that means......

2007-07-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

I know everyone has been racking their brains trying to figure out that crazy ass dream I had. I got on a dream interpretation website and this what they said. Now I am even more confused.

Words like room: Central part of a house. Regarding something important within yourself.
Words like ceilings: Upper limits. Ready to raise some limits.
Words like husband: Partner. Commitment.
Words like christmas: Happy family affairs..Celebration. A wish to be reunited with someone.
Words like floor: Foundation. Need to create some stability.
Words like red: This is an indication of great passion and sensitivity in your emotional relationships.
Words like carpet: Protection. Insulation. Sometimes luxury or richness. Ready to expand beyond basic needs.
Words like up: Feminine projection. Improved image. How do you want to be seeing in the outside world.
Words like divorce: Domestic happiness. Security. Prosperity
Words like attorney: Unexpected good news. Resolution of conflict.
Words like back: Changes in life. Family arguments. Approaching money.
Words like laughing: Relaxation. Volatility. Need for spontaneity.
Words like car: Personal power. Ego.
Words like car: Personal power. Ego.
Words like hospital: Healing. Confinement. Divine hopes. Ready to heal.
Words like room: Central part of a house. Regarding something important within yourself.
Words like hand: Capacity and competence. Expect big work ahead, meanwhile must take better care of own affairs.
Words like kids: Childhood. Innocent. Joy without profit. Warning of family quarrels.
Back to FreakyDreams.com Homepage

Dream World

2007-07-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

I just had the most bizare dream that i had to wake up grab my laptop and write it down before I forgot it.
Brad and I are standing in this giant room with really tall ceilings but it is snowing inside. There is a really tall decorated Christmas tree on one side and a beautiful ornate set of stairs ahead of me and everything has red plush carpet. This man walks up to Brad and starts rapping and in my dream I realize that he is my divorce attorney, I dont have one in real life but it was just one of those understood dream facts. From the top of the stairs someone is calling Brad's name. I look up and there is an eighteen yr old (another understood dream fact) dressed like a candy cane but she has another big candy cane strapped across her shoulders so she looks like a candy cane cross. As she is walking down the stairs she is knocking people off the staircase and keeps yelling for Brad. I ask him if he slept with her and he starts laughing and saying "yeah it was a dare but dont worry I never wore a condom." I run away but I realize that I am running like Jan from Brady Bunch. I get into an old car like the ones they had for drivers ed and run over Brad. I get out of the car and he is just lying there, car on his back, head propped on his hand looking at me and said "well I had that coming."
" I told him that if it had to happen it is a good thing it happened in a hospital."
I turned and walked away but it was hard to get thru because everyone was in wheel chairs. Someone says " here let me help you".I look up and it is Jon Voight. He takes me to his limo and I sit down and across from me are these three kids in car seats covered in spaghetti. Jon Voight turns to me and says" all of this could be yours if you would just come away with me." I told him that all I am looking for was a place to do my homework.
Figure out that one.

Diane and Charles who...I went to the wedding of the century!

2007-07-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

The wedding last night was absolutely amazing. I had so much fun, granted I didn't end up kissing anyone but I had a blast!! The weather was perfect, okay, okay it is always perfect here. Had one vodka tonic too many and someone thought that it was a good idea to take chocolate cake shots but at least I got home fairly early. I flirted my ass off and that was fun. I wish only happiness and respect for the bride and groom. Here is a picture of one of the boys that hung out with.....

Wedding crasher

2007-07-06T14:53:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I am going to go to a wedding.
This is a big step because I am going by myself..kinda scary but exciting at the same time. I have never gone to wedding solo, always had a date or a husband. Since neither of those are options I am pulling myself up by my bootstraps, or more like hiking up my bra straps and I am going to hit this shin dig as a single hottie. Yes I am terrified, yes I would love to find someone to make out with....slutty sounding I know....but I think that this is a big test. I am sure that I will pass with flying colors. How can you not have fun at a wedding that has an open bar for 7 hours, the place is right on the ocean and I will be surrounded by friends from work? I ask you this my friends. Don't worry I am taking my camera and hopefully I will get shots that will serve my next post justice. Think happy thoughts for me tomorrow and I will give you all of the juicy details on Sunday.

On a much happier note....Taylor is doing much better after the surgery. They have taken the tube out of her throat, she is still critical, in ICU but the outlook is more that hopeful.

Can I possibly be that old?

2007-07-05T07:09:00.000-07:00

Saturday we celebrated Austin's birthday ( his actual bday was Sunday). He turned THIRTEEN! What you say...thirteen? Yes, thirteen. You are right I don't look old enough to have a thirteen year old. Not thirteen months but thirteen YEARS! Good God almighty! The next stage of the game should be just a tad bit crazy!

We took Austin and two of his friends and Carson and her friend camping. Yes a whole ten minutes away at Campland by the Bay. It is really a cool place if camping places can be cool. They have two pools, hot tubs, an arcade and you can swim in the ocean (hence by the bay part of their title). The kids had a great time. They ran amok. Don't worry they had check in times and cell phones so they thought they were big stuff not having to hang around the parental units. Brad and I got along fairly well, as well as you can hanging out with your soon to be ex. Not to say a few vodka tonics didn't help in the transition but all in all it was a pretty darn good day.

Taylor Update

2007-07-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I got an update on Taylor. She had a seizure and her aneurysm burst. Thankfully it happened in the hospital ICU so they were able to save her by putting her in a medically induced coma. She is critical. My heart breaks for her mom.
Shortly after that I received another update and she is slightly coming around. She cant speak because of the tube in her throat but now they have plans of going in and cleaning up that part of her brain.
I will keep you updated

Let's lighten this up a bit

2007-06-29T10:31:00.000-07:00

After the sad news about Taylor and my angry dramatic Lifetime movie rants I wanted to slow things down a bit and give the readers and emotional break. Blatantly stole this from Annie.
It is a fun but it's kind of a long quiz but you will be shocked what you remember from lyrics from the 80's!!
So take this quiz and have a little fun.....

Update on Taylor

2007-06-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

I just got a phone call from my friend Stacia. She talked to Sheryl, Taylor's mom and things have gotten worse. When we went to see her today she was her happy go lucky self. The girls did crafts and watched episodes of Hanna Montana. She said that she has had a lot of headaches, bad enough to make her vomit. She was scheduled for another CAT scan after we left. This morning she had another MRI and another lumbar puncture. After all of these tests they have discovered an aneurism in her brain. It is a bulge, thankfully it hasnt ruptured. They have put her in ICU so she can round the clock attention. She is scheduled for surgery tomorrow but for some reason they want to put it off until Monday. I am not a doctor nor do I play one on tv but I would think that they should get her in there as soon as possible. My heart is breaking for her mom. I know that she just wants to break down but she cant because that would scare the hell out of Taylor. Please keep Taylor in your thoughts and prayers.

Please send happy thoughts to Taylor

2007-06-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

A person thinks that their world is coming to an end and then you hear about somebody's else's problems and everything is put into perspective. Carson's good friend, Taylor, has been in the hospital for 12 days now. It started when she had a really bad leg pain. She limped around for a couple of days until she told her mom that she couldn't even stand on it and they took into Children's Hospital. After x-rays and mri's they found out that she had what is called a Baker's cyst and erupted. While they were checking her out they found that she had a heart murmur. More tests, ekg's, echo's, spinal taps etc. They diagnosed her with an infection of one of her heart valves. The doctors have no idea what caused it. She has a line that runs from her arm, up into her heart where 4 times a day they have administer antibiotics. The doctors are hoping that her valve will be okay. She has to take the antibiotics for 6 weeks. She has to make sure that the line doesn't get dirty or wet so her summer vacation is totally shot. There are only so many movies you can go to.

Carson and I are going to go visit her whenever sleeping beauty wakes from her nap this morning. The girl got up early, showered and fell asleep on the couch where she has been for the past three hours.

The pic is of Carson & Taylor

The Heroine Meets the Whore

2007-06-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

In the next scene in the overly dramatic Lifetime movie that is my life you find the heroine (that is me played by someone other than Valerie Bertanelli, Jo from Facts of Life or the bionic woman) leaving a message for Katrina (the whore played by Karen's maid on Will and Grace, I need someone that looks like her dont I?). As I am driving to work my phone rings, I look down and lo and behold it is the Whore! (I answer it thinking this will be a great post on my blog.) It starts off nice enough I did say hello, and I asked her, very calmly, if she could refrain from texting and or calling him when he is visiting his kids. That is where it went down hill. She told me and I quote "If I want to call or text him I can because I am a grown woman that pays her cell phone bill unlike you!" (Insert boos, hisses and "what a bitch!")
You know in a hockey game when they throw down their gloves right before they start beating the shit out of each other, well I had that moment. "I told her that she didn't have to be a bitch about it . If I didnt have morals and fucked someone else's husband maybe I would have a little bit of guilt that would mask itself as anger. Through all of that all she asked me was how did I know they slept together...duh you stupid whore Brad told me. So there was more blah blah blahs and yada yada yada and I finally got off the phone with her telling me that someday she is sure that we would meet. Woo hoo I cant wait. I will start on a lovely flower arrangement to adorn the table that we shall lunch at. Stupid Bitch.

Cut the ties that Bind

2007-06-25T05:51:00.000-07:00

I have made a very important decision.
I told Brad that I cant speak to him for a while. It is just too hard to have these long drawn out conversations that we have been having. It is way too difficult for me to move on if we are talking 5-8 times a day. At night we end up talking for an hour or longer. I want to be his friend but right now I just cant be his support system when I find it hard to stand on my own two legs. Supporting the kids and being there for them is emotionally draining enough without being there for him. I will miss him terribly but for me to move on to the next level of healing this must happen. I am going to feel really lonely for a while, he was/is my best friend.
I told him that I am more than willing to talk to him if it is about the kids, we have to keep that line of communication open but nothing else. I have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach just typing this post. After I dropped him off at the airport this morning and I drove away, it was odd to think that I wouldn't be calling him to tell him that I got home okay. I did that every time. The days that I work wont be hard because I am so busy but at night I will have to fight the habit of talking to him. I have to move on. Obviously he has.

Message in a Bottle

2007-06-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

Saturday Brad and I made our way to Los Angeles to see the Police concert. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know what you are thinking....why in the hell are you still hanging out with him, aren't you getting a divorce. To you I say this, I bought the tickets for his birthday and both wanted to go and yes even though we are getting a divorce for some reason we still enjoy each other's company so any whoo we went together.

We left around noon and of course there was traffic, because there is always traffic when you drive to LA, no matter what day or time. Somewhere along the way, I needed to take a pit stop, I don't know what it is about being on a road trip that makes me have to go every three seconds. We noticed that across the street there was a little hole in the wall Irish pub. We stopped in there to have a car bomb, it made sense at the time.

Onward and upward. We were going to stop at Pink's hot dog stand but the line went out and around the building so no yummy hot dogs for us. We ended up at this little Mexican restaurant and had muy bueno carnitas.

The concert was a-may-zing! The Foo Fighters rocked my face off...Dave Groel (sp?) walked off the stage and went walking out into the floor section and around by where we were sitting the whole while he played the guitar and sang. Then the Police came on and my goodness gracious it seemed like they had never taken a break from each other. Sting looked and sounded flawless. It was really and truly a great concert.

We had a good time and surprisingly only fought one time and that was when Katrina texted him. Not too bad considering we were with each other for over 12 straight hours.

Schools out for summer!!

2007-06-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

Today is the first official day of summer vacation! I love it when the kids are out of school. Really, I'm not being sarcastic. Sleeping in every morning...love that. No rushing around, on their backs about homework...love that too. Friday we are having a beach day with friends. I really love beach days. Sitting out in the sun with my friend watching the kids skim and boogie board. Nothing gets better than that. That is a pic from last summer but there will be more on Friday!!

Happy Summer everyone!!!!!

The hardest thing I have ever had to do

2007-06-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

Through all of this the kids new nothing. Keeping that little facade going was really taking a toll on my health. I didn't sleep very well, I had a hard time keeping food down and I was smoking way too much. Yesterday I finally reached a point that if we didn't tell them, I think I might have had a nervous breakdown. Our plan all along was to tell them when Brad was in town but I just couldn't wait any longer. I didn't do it to be vindictive or mean, I just really needed to take that weight off of me. I called Brad and even though he was not happy about not being there he was willing to tell them with me. We put him on speaker phone and I told them that we were going to get a divorce but nothing in the whole world would change the way that we feel about them. Austin asked Brad point blank if he had a girlfriend. Brad came clean and (please don't think this is the kind of language he uses) Austin said "Fuck you". They had a lot of questions. Carson wanted to know his girlfriend's name and finally (I am not real sure why Brad wouldn't tell them) he told them Katrina. Austin said that was a stripper name (should I be concerned?) and Carson told Brad that she was a slut. I have such smart children.
They are doing pretty darn well, all things considered. We talked together for a long time after Brad got off the phone. My main concern is that they feel loved from both of us and that fact will never change. I also think that it helps that Brad has been gone for so long. It is not like he just moved out one day, he hasn't been constantly around now for almost a year. They are the greatest kids and I will make sure that they are beyond okay, that is a mother's job.

It's Ladies Night, Oh What a Night

2007-06-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I decided to go out with a few of my girlfriends. One of the owners of the bar that I work at also owns a bar downtown in the Gaslamp call The Whiskey Girl. Ty said that he would take care of us if we came down there. So we cabbed it down there, parking is a real pain in the toosh. We walked up and there is a huge line but lucky for us he was waiting by the front door. Good thing because I hate standing lines almost as much as I hate paying $10 cover charge. He took us to the bar and set up a tab for us...$150 and we proceeded to have a great time. It was really nice to get out and kick up my heels some place other than the place I work at. Today I am a little foggy but all in all feeling mighty fine.

Whew I'm glad that's over

2007-06-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

After my bluesy day yesterday I feel that we need to come together, don rhinestone laden, polyester, bell bottom, jumpsuits and rein act that awesome Brady Bunch dance number, "Sunshiney Day". Since that will be so much fun and we are already dressed to boogie, we will do a dance version of "A time to Change".
Thank God that funk has blown over. I am back to my old self again, which is so much better than the way I felt yesterday. I don't know what hit me but according to WebMD I had a 24 hour pissy flu and I have recovered nicely. Rock steady!!

a little rain must fall

2007-06-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

I know that there are going to be good days and bad days and today is a shitty day.

Maybe I am slow on the up take.
I just realized that through this whole entire mess Brad has it so easy. Absolutely nothing has changed for him. He still sees the kids as much as he did before, so when he comes into to town they are super excited to see him. He is not here reminding them to do their home work or handing out groundings. He comes into town and we do fun things and then he blazes back out again. He goes back up north and has a relationship with Katrina the Whore. (There I said her name). Yes the same name as the hurricane, ironic isn't it!? All that devastation.
He can see her anytime he wants, well when she isn't with her husband and kids. He doesn't have to sneak around, because he lives by himself. He has his own lovely little existence. He has a nice little set up going so of course this was an easy thing for him.
I have to put on a happy facade. I cant be sad, or mad. I cant scream and cry. I have to pretend to be happy and some days that little act is no problem but some days, I don't know what happens but I have a hard time holding it together. However I do it.
Yeah I know that I should have had everyone pull out their world's tiniest violins and played a background song to my little rant. Sorry I was so whiny, I should just stick to talking about Brazilian waxes.......

Home State Hottie Bobottie

2007-06-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness I am totally smitten....This guy is tooooooo cute. He has this Matthew McConnahy (sp?) thing going on. Accent and everything and to top it off he is from Oklahoma! Small world huh? Goodness gracious sakes alive! He works at the place where my son is having his birthday party. Did not know this when I booked it but what a bonus! He bought me a drink after work and we sat and talked. This is exciting stuff my friends, exciting stuff!!
Wish I had a picture.......

Ummmm What to do, what to do?

2007-06-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am in such a moral quandary...I have two tickets to the Police/Foo Fighters concert. They are good seats and it is a freakin stadium concert in LA. I could sell them and recoup my money plus more but I really want to see the concert. Should I sell or keep them? I could always use the money but this is an once in a lifetime show and I really, really, really want to see the show. So my question is should I take the mature road and sell the tickets or travel the road I rarely see and throw caution to the wind and go see the show? Help friends....

****Update...I have decided to say fuck it and go. The crazy thing is that I have to pay $35 to park and there is no tailgating...bummer but I am beyond excited!********

Screw Hawaii, Manteca is the next vacation hotspot.

2007-06-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

I left my heart in San Fransisco, not really but it was a nice opening. I just got back from "Brad and Amy Breakup Weekend of 2007". T-shirts will be available for purchase soon. All proceeds will go to me for the purchase of botox, stiff drinks and condoms.
This is the low down of the weekend.
I arrived in Sacramento around 2:35, the time is not important unless you are on of those stickler for details kind of person. Brad picked me up and we headed to his apartment in lovely Manteca and when I say lovely I am completely lying to you. We made a detour at Lodi and went to a wine tasting at a beautiful place called Wine and Roses. That was fun mainly because I got to watch Brad get hit on by the wine taster guy named Foongai (pronounced Fun Guy....maybe it is his porn name). Foongai was a very attractive man so if Brad decides to dump the Whore and wants to bat for the other team he has alot of options.
We then went to lovely Manteca and when I say lovely I mean if you were blind, where we went to lunch at a Mexican food restaurant. We had these big ass margaritas, which I found quite enjoyable, coupled with the Fun Guy wine from earlier. After lunch/supper, we will call it lupper, he took me to his bachelor pad. We watched the movie the Holiday cute movie unless you just happen to be breaking it off with your husband and then it becomes a suck ass movie since it hits so close to home. Nighty night.
Saturday we got up early and took the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit or something to that effect) into San Fransisco. What else does the normal person do when they are ending a marriage oh they go and spend a fun day in a lovely city and when I say lovely I mean I really love San Fransisco, it is no Manteca but fun just the same. We went into Chinatown, walked thru a really cool residential area and down to Fisherman's Wharf and up to Giuradelli (spelling is not my strong point) Square. We had a really great lunch at this little Italian restaurant and later ice cream. Note to self and reader Old Navy flip flop are not the best choice in footwear when you are hiking those steep ass hills. Looking at the big blister on my foot at this very moment makes me feel the need to warn those as silly as I was. Then we went back to lovely Manteca and when I say lovely I mean it really looks haggard after being in San Fran, had more wine ( maybe that is the theme to the weekend) and decided to go see "Knocked Up". I really loved that movie even though some parts, like "The Holiday" were a little hard to see on the big screen. Brad and I decided that from now on the only movies we will watch together are ones where married people actually just blow up. Kerpow.
Obviously from reading this post you think that we are completely nuts and that "Brad and Amy Break-up Weekend of 2007" sounded like one long date. When I re-read this post it sounds kinda odd but that is how i roll. The relationship that we have now will be understood by very few. It works for us and I think that it will help when we tell the kids.
But honestly I am completely talked out, discussed exhausted and emotional drained so until tomorrow I bid you adiou

Terrorist get behind thee

2007-06-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone can breath a collective sigh of relief knowing that my chapstick, mascara and eye drops are safely entombed in a zip lock bag. Even if I wanted to do something dastardly on the plane like squirt my eye drops in your eye resulting in them feeling refreshingly rewet, or jumping on someone and haphazardly apply mascara and chapstick, my plans of evil have been thwarted by the zip lock bag.
I am sure that there was a think tank out there that came to the conclusion about the power of the zip lock bag. Mensa members receiving very lucrative salaries sitting around bouncing ideas off of their brainy little noggins and what did the come up with???? Zip lock bags. Maybe they are in the frame of thinking that once the airplane reaches 30,000 feet the bags clamp down on anything with liquid and no matter how hard you try the common man is unable release the grip of yellow and blue makes green.
I am about to head out to the airport...side note San Diego has a surprisingly tiny airport, the busies one runway airplanes evah. I am excited about getting on the plane, one whole hour and 15 minutes all to myself. What to do, what to do?

Oreo Double Stuff Talk

2007-06-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend I am going up to see Brad so we can talk about stuff...(I am a little talked out and definitely not wanting to fight anymore) but what I am most excited about is my little break from life here in San Diego. Don't get me wrong, I luv, luv, luv it here in "America's Finest City" but I need a short vay cay. Granted he wants to talk about stuff, details on the stuff in a later blog, but I am also going to decompress. I have been working alot of extra hours....good for my mulah needs, but a little tiring just the same. The kids have been arguing a lot with each other lately and I am tired of playing referee.
We are going up to San Fran on Saturday to do the tourist thing so that should be fun as long as one doesn't push the other under the train. I actually look forward to getting on an airplane by myself, having a cocktail and reading a Cosmo.
Sorry about the last post, didn't want to give anyone nightmares but I do blog about any and everything. Good for me not so good for the readers.

OOOHHHH Kelly Clarkson

2007-06-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

*******WARNING, VERY SENSITIVE SUBJUCT, BOYS TURN AWAY!!!!**********

Okay I am not really sure why I decided to blog about what I did today. Most will go "what the hell, too much information!" Some might say to themselves, "hmmmmm I thought about doing that but it sounds like it would hurt way too much." One thing I can reassure you is that there wont be any pictures that accompany this post, and trust me you should be thankful.
Today I went and had a waxing to end all waxings. Yes everything from stem to stern. All of my friends kept telling me to do it, it is just so much easier than shaving but since I pride myself on the fact that I like to keep myself away from painful experiences especially ones that I pay for, I kept putting it off. Maybe it is the fact that I am meeting new challenges head on but I bit the bullet, actually it might have been easier had she provided a bullet to chomp on. In all honesty I wasn't bad at all, given one or two places, of which I wont go into details, that hurt like a bitch. The crazy thing is I am going to go back and have it done in a few weeks.
I really need to get a hobby.

Me, Me, Me I love things about Me

2007-06-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

Thanks Annie for the idea of my blog today. I love you sistow!! (That is her in the pic)

First memory: I was three and I remember that this crazy gypsy like woman who taught some weird hippie music class wouldn't believe me that I could read.
First broken bone: Collarbone 1976
First favorite teacher: Miss Horton. She looked like one of the Charlie's Angels
First major independent moment: riding my bike in a giant field in the back of my grade school. My mom wouldn't let me learn to ride on the street.
First C on a report card: pre-algebra up until then I only got A's
First move: to Oklahoma from Lubbock Texas
First best friend: Debbie Murrill 1st grade
First time a guy gave me a ring: 11 grade. Darrin Andersen
First time I saw death: Thank God I have never seen it up close and personal but I remember that a girl named Brittany died in the 6th grade of leukemia
First major humiliation in school: Falling on my ass in front of the wrestling team in 9th grade.
First Crush: Kindergarten. The little boy who wore cowboy boots with his shorts. I didn't know his name but I was smitten.
First (and only) time I was called to the Principal's office: skipping in the 11th grade.
First boy I kissed: John Sutcliffe???? I think that was his name
First (and only) time I rode in the back of a cop car: surprising enough I have never been there
First time I made a BIG decision that changed my life: To get married because I was pregnant my senior year of high school
First car: A white Subaru hatchback
First car accident: 1992 right after I got married to Brad. Pretty freaking scary.
First love: Tommy Woodard
First time center stage: 7th grade
First Prom Memory: My dad not willing to buy me a dress but renting one.
First job: receptionist for a hair salon owned by Von Hobart
First time hosting a New Year's Eve date: My stupid narcoleptic Mormon boyfriend not showing up with Annie's date because they were napping so we snuck into her parent's liquor stash and took a few nips
First extended time living away from home: San Diego, if we count hometown, away from family June 10, 1988 when I got married.
First time paying rent: 1988 When I married Danny
First marriage Danny Lankford June 1988
First child: Baileigh Madison Lankford November 1988
First House (while married): somewhere by University of Central Oklahoma
(my own): still waiting but I will be able to get one after I get my degree
First time I really felt like a grown up: what the hell does that mean....

Woo Hoo I Still Have It!!

2007-06-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

This Saturday I had to work and something very strange came over me. I came to the realization that "hey I am cute, available, and I work in a freakin bar that is crawling with cute boys". I have never been a jump into the pool kind of girl, more dip a toe and ease my way in so I can get use to the temperature of the water. That day I decided to dip a toe. There was a really amazing looking guy there in the bar (why not test the temperature with hottie) and I decided to bring out my flirting. Trust me I had to dust it off, it has been a good 15 years since that little skill has been put into use but you know this old broad still has it. Hottie even reciprocated, even leaving his friends to come over and talk to me. I told him that if we keep meeting like this I am going to think that he had a crush on me. He laughed and kept talking. That is positive right? I wish my eyeball was a camera so I could take a picture so you faithful readers could see him.....hottie bobottie let me tell you.
Since the flirting thing went okay and when I say okay I mean he didn't go running into the night, I got a little bit more brave. I channeled Must Love Dogs and put a thing on an online dating service. I checked it today and I got a few responses. Nervously I checked the first one and wouldn't you know it the freakin guy looked just like Brad!! Lucky for me I was home alone because it would have been hard to explain the reason I am sitting at the computer screaming "HOLY SHIT!!!".
I do believe that this summer will be a very interesting summer indeed.

One is the loneliest number

2007-05-31T11:41:00.000-07:00

Through all of this crazy storm the one thing that has held true was that my friends have circled the wagons. They are my rocks. I have truly amazing friends and they have been there for me any hour of the day and night. They made me laugh and held me when I cried. I am very fortunate, they are a great group of peeps. I even have friends that don't live here that belong to my support system...mad props to Annie, Leigh Ann, Tamara and Holli. I come home everyday to two of the greatest kids in the world. I am loved without measure.

The Dalai Lama aint got nothing on me

2007-05-29T05:26:00.000-07:00

Life is weird.

or maybe it is just me.

With everything that has transpired over this weekend, I should be in bed crying with a tub of super chunky, double fudgey ice cream but I am not and I will never be found there. With all the events that took place I should be screaming at Brad, telling the kids that their father sucks but I wont be seen doing that. If I get anything out of this that would be deemed positive I must take the high road.

I am all cried out. There just isn't any more tears and I am really tired of feeling sad. I cannot change the outlook of what is going on but I do have control over me and what I do and say.

I have to look forward. I have to be the greatest mom to my amazing kids. They are my everything and I am going to make sure that this is painless as possible for them.

It's not to say that there wont be hard days but I have a feeling that those will be out numbered by great ones and just average run of the mill days.

So here's to life. Whatever it brings. So cheers.

Out with old in with the new (whore)

2007-05-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

You cant believe everything that you see. You see the picture and they seem like they are a happy couple.

They are in love.

You couldn't be farther from the truth.

You see Brad and I have decided to split. Shocking.

Stunning.

I truly think that he is stupid.

Idiotic

He has a new chickie in his life.

I am trying not to be revengeful and spiteful.

I would love to give you the name of his whore ( was that mean?) I have it. I even have her cell number. I could tell you where she works. I could tell you what she looks like. Not so hot but two years younger. Bitch.

The past few weeks I have channeled Angela Lansbery, Hart to Hart and a little Colombo and have tracked down the whore. (Is it mean if we just dub her the Whore?) Is it really fair to call her a whore? Maybe we could ask her husband, yep she has one and three kids.

I am living a Lifetime movie.

I don't even like watching a Lifetime movie.

Our kids don't know and we don't plan on telling them for a few months so if you are family and you are reading this please don't say anything to the kids.

More later..........

Love those three day weekends

2007-05-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

Yay the start of summer.

Yeah I know that summer actually starts June 21st but around here Memorial Day weekend kicks off the summer. It means that the bar will be key-razey this weekend. Tons of tourists.

I am looking forward to this weekend because Brad will be here in a few hours and will get to stay until early Tuesday morning. (No, nothing has really changed in "the great saving of the neely marriage 2007")

He takes the first part of the cpa Friday afternoon and we have a counseling appointment that night. I have to work during the day on Friday and Saturday but then we are going out on Saturday.

I will have pics to post of 2007 Memorial Day Weekend

Sucko Taco Tuesday-o's

2007-05-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Before I start my gripefest 2007 I want to start off with you knowing the fact that I really do love my job. I work in a bar in San Diego and in this bar we have the greatest group of people as in employees and regulars, yes we do have a few bad apples, every place does. We are one big dysfunctional family. We have absolutely no turn over, and a great management staff but with that being said we do have Taco Tuesdays.
On Tuesdays we have $1.25 fish tacos and they are very tasty. Along with the tacos we have $3.00 Coronas, Pacificos and margaritas. Those prices brings out every starving college student, taco lover and cheap bastard in the PB area. They come to the table one at a time, and put their order in one at a time, since they can't or won't wait for all of their party to arrive. They can't do a collective order, they must order one beer at a time. Or my favorite, one taco and a water and they drink water like they have just arrived from walking around the Mojave desert for 8 days.
Let me give you an example of me at one of my tables last week:
Four guys sit down and they order 2 Pacificos, Corona,margarita , 2 fish tacos w/o white sauce, 2 fish tacos, 2 fish tacos w/o salsa fresca and 2 fish tacos single wrapped. Okay no big deal, the kitchen gets kinda pissy but they move on. Bring out their drinks to find 2 more have joined them. Get their order and bring out new guys drinks. Check on other tables. Come back to realize that 2 more have joined them, (what are they gremlins, did someone feed them after midnight?) Get their order and realize that the other guys are getting low, ask them if they need another beer, everyone says no except for one guy. Bring the new order out along with the other beer for the old guy. When I get there 2 have a great epiphany and decide that they need another beer. Okay check on the other tables, get their orders and bring the 2 beers to them, shocking one needs more tacos and another needs a beer. We carry on this song and dance until I blew my cool. I have never said a snide remark to a customer, I have bitten my tongue when I have had a table full of bitches or a table of snarky guys making boob comments but that night something flipped. Maybe it was the fact that I have been under a lot of stress but with that said this is what came out of my mouth.
"Hey guys lets pull our shit together. Collaborate. If I come to the table and you think you might need a beer pretty soon and I ask if you need a beer then you say yes. It is not fair to me to go and get your table one beer at a time. I know this might shock you but I also have 8 other tables. Thank you."
Shockingly I only got $5 on a $75 tab (that is a lot one beer at a time running) but it was sooo worth it because I felt a little relieved about a lot of things.
Wish me luck because I have to be on the front lines again tonight but since my little verbal purging of last weekend I will have my good attitude back....hopefully.

I know that there is walking, but can you get marching pneumonia

2007-05-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

I want to apologize.

I have set the bar so high that I am afraid that some mommies will feel that they have fallen short. Don't feel bad there has to be a great mom but don't worry in this messed up society you will all get a ribbon and a hardy pat on the back.

Chill out people I don't really think I am the shiznit of muthas but I am so glad that I didn't use the sick card this morning. I believe that I have a combination of Sars, bronchitis, malaria, and walking pneumonia, that is according to WebMD. I had absolutely NO desire to get out of my warm bed and it showed every time I hit the snooze button but this morning Carson's school band was marching in the Patriot Day Parade. (by the way is there such a thing as a Patriot Day? JC I know you would know)

I got up, and I want to give a shout out to God and his making of the coffee bean, super job Big Guy, anyhoo we eventually made to the place where we were suppose to meet up. Carson was really getting excited and in turn I was too.

He lined up everyone and I got to march right next to Carson. It was soooooo cool. They played the song Tequila 7 times, stopping periodically to bless the audience with their musical talents. It was a good thing that I was wearing sunglasses because I was totally overwhelmed with happiness for Carson and all of the other kids that I had a period of being an emotional twit.

I am really glad that I sucked it up and went. That is not to say that as soon as I finish this post I am going to go take a nap.

More about my favorite subject....ME

2007-05-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

Okay I am a slacker and I have forgotten to check my gmail account and so it looks like I have been dissin' painter girl's fantastical questions, but alas that is not the case. Better late than never so waa laa here is her highly creative questions and my insightful answers.

1- What was the best party you ever went to? Oh gosh there are bits and parts about every party that stand out. At a graduation party where Brad and I hugged for the first time. The first New Years Eve party after we were married because it was just too crazy for words. Absolutely all New Years Eve parties. The parties we had when we were house sitting for my mother in law (Sorry Barbara). I think the all time best one was our going away party that our friends Russ and Tamara gave us before we moved out to California. They went all out and everyone showed up. It was great and the laughs actually out numbered the tears.
2- What food item could you not live without? As redneck as this sounds Macaroni and cheese. It has been my favorite since I was a baby and since it is soft and palatable I am sure I will be eating it in my golden years.
3-A biography is written about your life what is the title? "I think my filter is broken: The story of an highly opinionated mouthy broad"
4- Duran Duran or The Smiths? depends on my mood. If I am feeling moody then definitely The Smiths but if I want to recall the time in my life when I was sure that I was going to marry Nick Rhodes then Duran Duran.
5- If you were turned into an animal, what would you want to be? I think that I would like to come back as my cat Max. He has a really good life and he thinks that he is a person.

Here are the rules:1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” And please, feel free to comment on my fabulousness, or whatever.2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Move over Tony Hawk

2007-05-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

Some professional skateboarders have snazzy names like Tony Hawk or Bam Maguira so in keeping with that theme I have dubbed my son Austin Weasel. The name is not for the fact that he can get into small places, is long and furry or has beady eyes, it is for the fact that he spends the majority of his time trying to weasel out of homework or chores or both.

He has decided to start a skate company...more power to him but he thinks that he doesn't need to go to college to do so. That is where I have no problem pointing out the fact that without the knowledge of pertinent business courses his idea will have a hard time getting off the ground.

He also says that he needs funding so I asked him how much of his allowance has he saved. He told me that since he hasn't really been getting any, his money supply has run dry. Hmmmm really? I am sure that you would think that he would buckle down and do his chores but alas not a chance.

To his defense with all of this extra time since he doesn't do his chores and "forgets" his homework he has had a lot of time to hone his boarding skills. I am proud of him for practicing so much. You would think that in this crazy town where high schools has surf teams, they would also have skate teams but they don't. I just have to find a way to motivate him in his school work as much as he is motivated to skate.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

More stuff about little ol' me

2007-05-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

I got flagged to do this meme from JC

A-Attached or Single? Attached....to Brad for 15 years
B-Best Friend: " Sistow" and Brad
C-Cake or Pie: Cake. I love devils food cake, lemon poppy seed...yes please cake.
D-Drink of Choice: non-alcoholic : diet coke...the adult stuff: Captain and Diet coke, pint of Blue Moon or if I am feeling frisky an Irish Car Bomb
E-Essential Item: tangible: cell phone otherwise happiness....as cheesey as it sounds.
F-Favorite Color: Olive Green
G-Gummi Bears or Worms? Neither...
H-Hometown: San Diego
I-Indulgence: pedicures, wine and laying on the beach doing absolutely nothing
J-January or February: I haven't really thought about it, I guess February since Brad, my nephew Cole and my mom all have their birthdays then.
K-Kids: yep Austin and Carson. Baileigh from a previous marriage.
L-Life is incomplete without: laughter
M-Marriage Date: October 24, 1992
N-Number of Siblings: 1
O-Oranges or Apples? Oranges. They go in the Blue Moon mentioned above.
P-Phobias/Fears: Frogs or Lizards and there are tons of those little lizard bastards around here
Q-Favorite Quote: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God." Nelson Mandela
R-Reasons to smile: Family
S-Season: Summer. The kids are out of school so no schedules and we can play at the beach anytime we want
T-Tag Three: Too much pressure, anybody feel free to do this
U-Unknown Fact About Me: I don't have a gall bladder
V – Vegetable you love: artichokes
W-Worst Habit: smoking
X-X-rays or Ultrasounds? Ummmmm weird one. Ultrasounds since I don't feel like I am going to glow afterwards
Y-Your Favorite Foods: Seafood, sushi, loaded baked potatoes, Eichen's fried chicken
Z-Zodiac: Sagittarius
Labels: Memes, Trivia

That Carson is one smart chick

2007-05-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, Carson participated in the San Diego Science Field Day. She is on her science team at her school ( yes a lethal combination of brains and beauty) and for many months her team has been working hard for this competition.

She is great and Brad and I are so proud of her but good gawd all of the other parents on her team are a little odd. Think Boy Scout Jamboree meets Comicom meets 40 year old virgin. This thing is really important to these peeps. "Remember last year....yada yada yada...." I feel bad for not being so into it but with everything going on right now it definitely gets pushed back a bit. Maybe they could have it somewhere a little less craptastic as Lakeside. Think the movie Tremors but not so flat and there was not a lake to be seen.

Don't get me wrong they are very nice people with very nice kids. The team did really well. Carson got two 2nd place ribbons and had a great time, which is what really matters.

This is just the first step in her taking over the world.

Crack that Whip. Break your mother's back.

2007-05-10T07:38:00.000-07:00

"WHAT!!?? Uggggg ( a very loud exhaling of air representative of frustration). You. Have. Got. To be kidding. You are totally unfair. I can't believe you!"

Surprisingly that wasn't a conversation I have had recently with Brad. That conversation was what I experienced this morning when I told my precious offspring that they wouldn't get their allowance.

I come from a crazy school of thought that says: No work, no money.

I will wait while the shock wears off.......

Welcome back.

I am very generous in the allowance department. Carson gets $10 a week for the following chores: Clean room on Sunday, put away clothes (I separate and fold both of their clean laundry),vacuum the living room and dump the litter box Tuesday night. Austin receives $20 a week but has to do a little more. In addition to cleaning his room and putting away his laundry, he takes out the trash, brings the cans down to the curb on Tuesday and bring it back on Wednesday, and unload and load the dishwasher.

Let's see what has been done.

Laundry still on the couch from Sunday. I did the litter box. I have unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. The trashcan still sits at the curb and from the pictures you can tell that the rooms are far from being clean.

Meanest Mother in the World has spoken. No dough for you.

I could tell you more but then I would have to shoot you

2007-05-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

I am really at a loss for something to write about. I don't want to go into great details about what is happening that has put me into such a funk but I will say that there are a few words that might give you insight....marriage, counselor, mid life crisis, and the need to slap my husband in the head. So there you go....you people are smart, I know you are because you are able to decipher my ramblings, you figure it out.
I am done with the whole boo hoo stage. Enough is enough, seriously I am not attractive with extremely puffy eyes. How am I suppose to attract an extremely wealthy, old man on his death bed with puffy eyes? His eye sight would probably be shot to hell anyways.

Sing, Sing a Song

2007-05-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I worked and as I stood at the jockey box ( small little bar thingy we sell beer out of in addition to the main bar) I was awed. Maybe it is the lack sleep or food. When the band, decked out in their 80's garb, think devo, punkish blue hair, and the such, sang Bon Jovi's "Livin on a Prayer" all of those drunk bastards starting singing. Every single one and we had a packed house, line waiting to get in, the whole shabang. Granted the drunk ones in front of the stage and in front of the jockey box had been singing all night but for some reason this song had everyone singing to the rafters. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or lack of food but I got goosebumps. It was like when Cindy Lou Who started singing and all of the people from Whoville joined. I was a cool moment.

I'm BBBBaaaaaaaacccckkkkk

2007-05-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I haven't posted in so long. Brad and I are going through a sticky period, granted I liken it to La Brea Tar Pits. I didn't want to piss, moan, and whine here so I kinda went into seclusion. Thanks for all of the emails, it means a lot to me to know that my friends are there to lean on when times become not so rainbow, fuzzy bunny happy.
To the relief of all three readers I will be back in the saddle. Posting grammatically incorrect ramblings and photos of my slightly left of center life.

Still hoping for a happy ending but I cant just stop and wait.

I am sad

2007-04-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

This has been the most difficult week of my life.

I will post more later....hopefully with a happy ending.

Everything you wanted to know about me but were afraid to ask...

2007-04-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

I was really relieved to have an idea about what to write in my blog. I took the "meme" from Holli's and now awaaaay we go.....

what is your name spelled backwards? YMA. That sounds like some kind of organization.... Young Mothers of America? Yellow Mango Assassins? Yucky Mushrooms from Antarctica?

What did you do last night? I was at work until about 8:00pm. I had to stay around later because the cast of MTv's Road Rules was supposed to come into the bar. Their people talked to my manager and then they get there and their little babysitter/manager told us that they take their wallets when they go on the show and no one has an id. Ummmm really? Don't you drive the RV? Well my manager Scott told them to somewhere else. We could only assume that they have underage peeps and that is their was of trying to get them into bars. Then I came home and hung out with Carson.

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Pictures from Carson's birthday party.

Have you ever licked a 9v. battery? Ummmm yeah I did and I cant remember why. I am sure that it was on a dare...I use to be very big on dares.

How many cars have you owned? 9. I started counting and I was shocked. My first car was a Subaru hatchback. I swear that it ran on 3 hamsters. Brad fixed a dent with his bare hand. He was convinced that if you scratched the paint off you would find recycled Coors light cans underneath. I ran that puppy into the ground and sold it to an extremely high strung guy named Kenneth. Next was a Mazda 626. Drove that until Austin was born. Can't remember what happened to that one. Next was a ford Explorer. It was this great tannish, champagney color that didn't show dirt. Then Brad bought me a new Jimmy but I only had that for a little while because Carson made her debut and we realized that we needed to have more room so bye bye Jimmy and hello my gigantor Suburban. Even with cheap gas prices back then I got tired of filling up that behemoth and when Austin didnt use a car seat anymore we didnt need all of that room and I got a Infiniti Q45. Loved that car but for some reason Brad bought home a mini van for me. I cried for 3 days and I would not go into it. Selfishly I prayed everyday that it would explode and finally one day God was good to me and the engine broke. Sorry I got so technical. What is the total opposite of a mini van....yeah I had a mid- mid life crisis and got a brand new Mustang convertible. That was the car I drove for three days out to California. When we finally got here it had a weird people smell that only comes from eating corn nuts and diet cokes for 3 days. Then some bastard stole it and I now I have a Jeep Cherokee. Whew that was exhausting.

Are you registered to vote? Yep and out here you vote in people's garages. I am still not sure about that whole process but you do what you gotta do.

Do you have cable? ummmm duh.

ever made prank calls? Many, but I am sad for the youth of today with caller id. How do you call the boy that you have a crush on just to hear him say hello or his mother scream into the phone to stop calling. It is a rite of passage that kids today will never experience. I weep for them.

You like anyone right now? Well I will totally write you a note and give to you in homeroom. This is a weird question.

would you bungee jump or skydive? I guess if I have to pick then it would skydive but I really don't have a strong urge to jump out of a airplane that is not about to crash or jump of something.

furthest place you have traveled? I guess Cabo San Lucas.

do you garden? I use to when I lived in Oklahoma but now I don't. We have gardeners that come once a week as part of our rent.

do you know all the words to the national anthem? I do and I proudly sing them at all sporting events. It kinda bums me out that I am one of few people that are singing.

shower morning or night? I shower at all times of the day and night.

best movie you have seen in the last month? I guess it would have to be The Departed. I loved the movie except I thought that the ending sucked.

favorite pizza topping? Not really big on pizza but if I have to choose then it would be mushrooms.

chips or popcorn? ooooh that's hard. Love the salt thing. Popcorn if I make it in a pot, never microwave.

who is your cell phone provided? Cingular

have you ever smoked peanut shells? What the hell does that mean? Do people actually smoke the shells to get high? Am I getting so old that I don't know what the whipper snappers are doing to catch a buzz?

have you ever been in a beauty pageant? the only pageant was a skit I was in when I was in the 10th grad to make fun of pageants.

orange juice or apple? Apple juice, not a big juice person.

who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Actually sitting down and having lunch, is that a new thing like smoking peanut shells?

favorite chocolate bar? Ummm they aren't an actual candy bar but I love peanut m&m's.

who is your longest friend and how long? My longest friend would be Leigh Ann but we don't talk very often. The longest friend that I talk to on a regular basis would be Annie. We have been friends for over 20 years.

last time you are a home grown tomato? probably the last time I smoked a peanut shell

have you ever won a trophy? yes but I have no idea where they are

favorite computer game? I am not good at all at computer games, ps2, etc. I do like guitar hero because I can rock your face off.

ever ordered from an infomercial ? no but I am tempted constantly

have you ever had to wear a uniform to school or work ? The sad thing is I wear one kinda right now. We have to wear tank tops with the Longboard logo on it.

what was the last thing that you bought at a store? 2 gallons of skim milk, baked ruffles, peanut butter captain crunch, potato bread.

ever thrown up in public? Vomiting in public usually involves drinking too much, taking that stupid bet that you can drink a entire gallon of milk in an hour, or illness. Personally I dont want to rehash and pukey stories from my past.

would you prefer being a millionaire or having true love? I definitely have the true love thing but if anyone would like to give me a bag full of money, I wouldn't turn it away.

do you believe in love at first sight? I believe in lust at first sight.

can exes be friends? I think that people act like they are friends with their exes but deep down one of them wants to get back together or at the very least have sex and the other one cannot stand their ex and they are just putting up a front.

who was the last person you visited at the hospital? No one comes to mind thank goodness

did you have long hair as a kid? yes very long hair

what message is on your voicemail? oh I am sure that it is something nutty like "please leave your name and number and I will get back to you.

where would you like to go right now? I would like to be right here but I would like my husband to be here instead of northern California

what was the name of your first pet? My first pet was a mutt dog named Lucy. I named her after my favorite show I love Lucy. She looked like a mop head and would run up the slide and sit at the top.

what kind of back pack do you have and what's in it? Really are these questions directed to people who carry a back pack and smoke nut shells?

last incoming and out going call on your phone? incoming Brad, out going Austin.

what is the one thing you are grateful for today? That I have really great kids and hubby.

what do you think the most about? the future

It's My Birthday and I Will Swim if I Want To

2007-04-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

It seems like forever since I have posted anything because, it has. It seems like all I have been doing is driving kids around and working and driving and working. Oh yeah, I remember what I have been doing, it is coming back to me... driving kids around and working.

Brad was here this weekend for Carson's big birthday bonanza bathing bash. Yes I know that was really uncalled for but I did it anyway. That was alot of fun, except for the near drowning of one girl, but that is why there is lifeguards. We had it at the pool at my gym. This pool is amazing. It is about 100 yrs old. They refurbished everything. It is ginormous and they keep it at 82 degrees. I don't know if you have ever been in the ocean here in San Diego but it is always cold. I may get in there in August, up to my knees and only if I do the sting ray shuffle.

Well I am off to work...shocking I know.

Don't Mess with Mother Nature

2007-04-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy but if I got poison oak, oh let's say 15 times from the same place I would avoid that area like the plague. Alas when you are 12 and you are emulating the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz, you ride your bike through the canyon....again, again and again. Austin is prone to breaking out, you just have to say poison oak and his eye swells shut.

The worse part is that he gets it on his hands and since he riding around all day, nature calls. Are you catching my drift? Yes he gets it down yonder. Being his mom I have no desire to see so he calls Brad and describes it. Father/ Son bonding at its finest.

So I am washing everything in scalding hot water....again. I am having a problem fitting the couch in the washing machine but I will push hard. Austin is staying home from school....again since he cant wear boxers and he is only comfy in a old pair of scrub pants.

The picture is from the last time he got it.

And the Hits Just Keep Coming

2007-04-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Do you realize that there were two episodes of "Sons of Hollywood" on Sunday? Oh yes my friend there were and I was able to have closure to many of the questions that have been burning my soul.

This episode starts off with Sean doing the "lamb dance around the house" Lucky us.

The third roommate that is the agent, David Fluffernutter, proclaims that he is sad that Aaron Spelling has passed. Creepy guy with the bad hair consoles him by staring at completely stoned with a deer in the headlights look.

There was a lot of filler with a ton or aerial shots of LA. At least we didn't have to see Sean or hear him talk.

Sean, has to work with a vocal coach, Ron Anderson, whoever that is. This is where we get the closure from the last episode when Sean reveals his illness...strep throat, bladder infection and kidney stone. He does his voice warm up where he proceeds to sound like a drunk cat in heat, maybe his dad Rod is right and he doesn't have any natural talent.

More aerials.

A meaningless meeting with David Nutella and Kurupt from Snoop Dog's group, or posse or whatever. We were given insight when Kurupt took a sip of Patron and told us "I could crack any bitch on the globe with that one sip". Ummm yeah no clue.

While Sean is getting a IV of vitamins he tells creepy guy with bad hair that he "is going to get some stem cells for his brain since he got severe brain damage all of a sudden." Thank God for small favors.

Randy and David Miraclewhip meet...blah blah blah....Randy is wearing capris again....make dad proud....meets up with Dionne Warwick's son and they all go down to see Aaron's star on the walk of fame....and after many more aerials it ends with them getting massages on the rooftop of their house.
Definitely not as great as last one but mind boggling just the same

"Can You Bowl this Salsa & Put it Around Town?"

2007-04-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

I lied. My last post said that I didnt have time to put out a significant post but after watching my new favorite/most hated show I just had to clue everyone in.

The much awaited update on the train wreck known as "The Sons of Hollywood"

This episode begins with the most annoying person in the world, Sean Stewart, who by the way has his own name tattooed on his arm, molesting the housekeeper by trying to make her dance with his undernourished body.

The brainiacs decide to have a cookout. Not much food was consumed, except for the continuous "do you want a big sausage" joke. However lots of drinks where taken. I have always said that it isn't really a good cookout if Bai Ling doesn't show up so I was relieved to see her make an entrance where someone announces that she is a starlet. Ummmm yeah okay.

I was also relieved to see that they had they token obnoxious drunk girl. Her name was Theresa and she spewed forth some real doozies such as "I just had a mental orgasm from Bai Ling". Don't be disappointed Bai Ling had her moment too when she announced that she is from the moon, only on Earth to have some fun and then she has to go back so she could change her clothes. Keep in mind all of this happened before the first commercial

Showing great maturity David Such and Such and Randy Spelling (I know his name now) decide in the cloud of his father's looming death that the best thing to do is get away for a few days to Miami. They were exhausted from the cookout and really who could blame them?

In a showing of great cosmic karma Sean Stewart became really sick, threw up in the first class lounge and decided that he couldn't make the trip. Thank goodness that the creepy guy with the bad hair and plaid shirt was there to take him to the doctor after he told him that he " has some kind of fucking weird bird flu" I didn't realize that the creepy guy was also a doctor, surprises around every corner on this show.

This has got to be my favorite part of the whole damn show: While in the bar, Randy sees this big story about his dad on Entertainment Tonight. Ahhhhh he is experiencing a moral dilemma. "I don't want it to look like he is out partying while this is going on!" Ummmmm yeah okay. Alas Randy has a fix. He takes off his shirt, stands on the roof of the hotel, imitates Leonardo DiCaprio's titanic king of the world and has a "prayer meditation" to connect with his dad. You know it would just be too easy to visit him on his frickin' death bed.

Creepy guy with the bad hair gets Sean Stewart to the doctor. The quack doctor said it is either tonsillitis or appendicitis and he need a CAT scan. Ummmm yeah okay

Next Commercial

While sitting on the balcony chain smoking with what looks like a nicotine patch on his right arm, Randy comes to the conclusion that he wants to make his dad proud. How you ask? Volunteering his time to the help the less fortunate? Nooooo Having Sean Stewart shot? I wish. No, his plan is to party, eat lavish meals, drinking, hugging girls, more drinking, and getting to know girls that just "loved 90210".

By the end of the episode, Sean had left messages on their phone acting like he was gay, decided that he didn't like his roommates and wanted to punch them in the throat and Randy met a smashed older lady at the pool where he proceeded to tell her that she had enormous breast but one of the was alot bigger. To his defense he was right.

You will be happy to know that they decided to come back a day early to see his "Pops", but instead of going straight to the house from the airport, he went home so he could get his own car and too bad on the way there Aaron Spelling died.

By the way we never found out what Sean Stewart had....so maybe it was the bird flu

She Works Hard for the Money

2007-04-09T07:12:00.000-07:00

I was informed (of course by Brad who else would divulge such info) that when my husband gets off of work he looks forward to reading my blog...have I mentioned how boring the town is that he lives in....think El Reno. But I am having a dilemma since today I must pull a double and I will not have the energy nor the desire to post. So here it is. My half-assed, slapped together, wienie of a post.

Taa Daa

I hope this post makes you as happy as you were after the chickens were done.

Plus I assumed that everyone would want to see the finished product from last weekend but then again you know what happens when you assume......

Thank You Easter Bunny! Bok! Bok!

2007-04-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

I made need to call John Walsh because we couldn't find the last two eggs that I hid. Knowing that eggs become stinky without a lot of prodding, my backyard could become a cess pool of yuckiness in a few days and that is why I need to enlist the help of Mr. Walsh. If he can find bad people all across the country I am sure that his tip line will light up with info on the where abouts of the two pre-stinky Easter eggs hiding in my backyard.

Today it actually rained. I never rains and it picked today to let loose. I was kinda happy since I keep forgetting to tell the gardener that one of the sprinkler heads had it with being run over constantly by bicycles and decided to get its revenge by becoming a geyser, and I did the only thing that I knew to do...turn the whole damn thing off. So my poor lawn and flower beds are becoming a little dehydrated.

Another Easter miracle happened today....I ate so much chocolate over past two days that I am actually totally burned out on chocolate. The thought of consuming anymore makes my mouth sweat like right before I puke.

I hope that everyone had a thupah Easter!

It is called telekinesis Kyle

2007-04-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my baby will turn 10. Yep she has finally reached the pinnacle that is known as double digits. She may be only 10 but I think that she ages in dog years. Being the old soul that she is, one of her gifts that she wanted was a Starbucks gift card. Being the slacker mom I got her one.
Now the next question...oh wait this is the first one. Do you think maybe I should monitor more closely her computer adventures since she emailed me this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_EPFm3Iyg8

(The title is a reference to one of her favorite songs)

And no she wasn't channeling Axil Rose it was hippie day at her school

I Never Want to Own a Bed and Breakfast

2007-04-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

Good Gawd what the hell was I thinking? One or maybe all of the situations must have occurred.

While walking along minding my own business and wishing I could whistle since I am without the whistling gene, a giant anvil with Acme pressed into the side fell to the earth landing squarely on top of my noggin.
I fell thru some time space continuum that rendered me unable to make well thought out decisions.
When I had my lunch at work someone slipped me a weird mickey that made my brains ooze slowly out of my ears leaving me an easy target for my kids.

That could only be the reason for me to say to my darling children sure you could have friends spend the night, it being spring break and all. Austin had Luke spend the night. I think that Luke is a great kid and he is welcomed at out house anytime. Carson, give-her-an-inch-and-she-will-take-a-mile-and-a-half-and-still-ask-for-more-make-you-feel-guilty-for-not-giving-it-to-her, had Chandler, Mackenzie, Haley, Lois and Betsy spend the night.

When I got home from work, after picking up some pizzas I walked into a fargin' crazy house. The boys kept themselves in Austin's room, scared of the crazy, hyper fillies in the living room and with good reason. Between the Dance Dance Revolution Dance off, the argument I had with them when I told them that couldn't go TP ing, and the singing of Barbie Girl at the top of their lungs, it definitely wasn't boy friendly.

Now all is good in the world because they have all gone home.

On my Own Again

2007-04-02T07:39:00.000-07:00

Brad left this morning and I am sad.

He is able to come home about every other weekend and it is definitely not enough time. Those two days just fly by. It was a pretty nice weekend, nothing too exciting to report. Friday night at work was fun, went by fast and Brad took a cab and met me there around 11:00.

Sunday he made his famous redneck spesh-ee-al-i-tee beer butt chicken and it was gooooo-oood (think Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies).

On a much more serious note. Did anyone watch the train wreck that was Sons of Hollywood? Three rich guys (thanks to their daddy's money) go to Vegas where the son of Rod Stewart goes thru a ton of money (do you think he was replacing his drug addiction with gambling?) So Sean Steward was extremely pissy at dinner and took out his frustrations on Aaron Spelling's son by calling him a mamma' s boy (which he is) and throwing a giant wad of cotton candy at him and then he wanted to fight him. Thank Gawd there was a little slimy friend in a plaid shirt and bad hair there to calm him down because there would have most likely been a hellacious cat fight with the likes of Laverne and Shirley had never seen. So they get back and Aaron Spelling is dying but what does his son do? Visit him? No. He first has over his mother and her fabulously gay friend for lunch, calls Sean Stewart's mom Alena and tells on him and then has Tori, her Lurch like husband and her dog that has hip problems and an oversized vagina...their words not mine, over for drinks. Where Tori reveals that she has a membership to a netflix like thing but it is for porn. Finally at the end of the show Aaron Spelling's son (obviously I have forgotten his name) calls him to see if he had eaten yet. But the best part of the whole damn show was when they showed him walking off and what was he wearing......yep he was sporting capris!!!!!

Amatuer Hour

2007-03-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

Wow I have been totally slackerific this week when it comes to the ol' blog. I did go back to work this week and it made me tee-ired. It is hard dealing with drunk spring breakers. I feel like I am stuck in a MTV's spring break episode. Stop the Madness!!!!!
Tonight I will have to deal more with the intoxicated bastards plus an 80's cover band is playing so I will be subjected to a sing-a-long slaughtering of Livin' On a Prayer, Jessie's Girl, and anything from Journey....yes this band has played here before.
Let me keep these cheesey songs from my high school days. Let me keep them pure. Don't sing to them at the top of your lungs while high fiving your friend...why do they do that? It is not like your buddy just wrote it. Also while singing, high fiving and what else remember that you are actually holding a glass that lacks hovering abilities and if you let it go it will go crashing to the floor.
And guys don't wear capris.

I Just Dont Understand

2007-03-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

I have decided that every now and then (like how I really commit to definite times) I will post little ditties titled "I Just Don't Understand...". Today seemed just as good as any other to start so waa laa here it goes.

I Just Don't Understand.........

Why Ryan Seacrest's thighs are sooo much smaller than mine. I am not an avid watcher of American Idol but I did catch a part when some guy was doing a beat box thing with the song that he was singing, kinda cool. When he was finished Ryan Seacrest came out to do whatever he does and did this James Brown/Michael Jackson/Bill Cosby dance/fit thing and when he lifted his leg to do this dance move/groin pull I could tell he had really thin legs. I just don't think that it is cosmically cool that I have a big giant head like he does but without the benefit of skinny thighs.
Scientology wedding vows. The groom promises "clothes & food & tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat" WTF?
I cant seem to part with my baking sheets. They look like I have been baking cookies inside Mt Vesuvius. Brad calls them seasoned, I call myself lazy.
Game shows. Why do they find it necessary to introduce me to Jim from Scottsdale's great grandmother that seems to be on the verge of death but can still be way too loud and mouthy, or Cindy from Omaha's 6th grade chess team. I really don't care. All I really want to hear is "No whammies, big money come on no whammies"
Capris on men.

I Coulda Been a Contendah

2007-03-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received a call from Austin's vice principal. I am sure that you are surprised to know that she wasn't calling to tell me that he is the student of the year, but something completely different. I had to go pick him up because he was suspended for fighting. By the time that I got there I had pretty much worked myself into a lather, let's pause for that visual, but I was composed and put on my best sweet as pie mom persona with a little Okie accent thrown in there for good measure. I have found that if you use a southern accent out here people usually don't get mad at you because they think it is charming or maybe they feel sorry for you for being a country bumkin but either way I will take it since I know I am neither a bumkin or charming...

They took me to the back and I saw Austin and he looked like someone popped him one in the mouth...exactly what happened. I spoke to the vice principal who told me the story and I will change the names to protect the not innocent.

Austin's friend "Spanky" was getting into a pushing thing with "Thuggy the Kid I Know Will Do Time in the Next 5 Years" Austin went to split them up and Thuggy the Bussed in Antichrist" pushed Austin and Austin pushed "Thuggy the Leader of all the other Thugsters" back. Then "Thuggy the Twelve Year Old that should be kept like Hannibal Lector" hit Austin in the mouth and turned and walked away. He didn't even let Austin get a shot back at him.

I however did say that it was totally stupid that Austin was getting the same punishment as "Thuggy the next star of MTV's Juvies" when Austin didn't hit him. I was told that it was "mutual combat" and no surprising enough it is not a Playstation game. I did have a moment that I am sure my mother would never have when I turned to Austin and said "Well next time you should make sure that you get a good shot in since it is the same punishment". As soon as it fell out of my mouth I was sorry and a little embarrassed and I threw in a "but I hope that you learned your lesson."

Anyhoo to say the least I will spending the day with Austin and his fat lip and trying to figure out things that are soft and palatable for him to eat.